I would have thought that title was followed by blank nothingness...this is my beautiful failure.... really I've been so busy writing to my hubby, the Iris Chimoio team, the office, or school everyday that there are so many days I didn't have words left to blog!!!
Its so funny how many words are in front of me every day,
and how often I am writing those words. Yet, there isn’t always anything to
compose as a blog. Blogs are so journally, so free feeling in my brain. But so many people have an outline. I don't have an outline or a blog in mind.
Tonight is one of those nights.... I have written some blogs,
and felt like I couldn't post them yet. But tonight, I have written a
page of reading response to one of my summer classes text books in less than an hour. Did an edit, turned it in online without any concerns. I’m so confident about that, and rightly so. I guess. I have
100 percent on every assignment thus far. I can handle structured writing, but on
Friday I even bombed that. grrrr. I mailed a strange email and haven't gotten a reply. must fix it!!!!
I had a weird feeling about writing after some interesting correspondence that left me questioning my ability to write anything.
I tend to bounce things off of my hubby when I have a particularly stinky
attitude. Anything that I am taking too personally, or not giving the person on the other side of the story the
benefit of the doubt, I bounce off him. He is happy to re-direct my focus, and get me to look at the heart
of the matter. If I can’t see that, the heart of the person I am about to
smush.
No need to smush people. no smushing - leave that to Jesus and Holy Spirit. He's so very good at correcting and convicting us. His perfect kindness leaves us just almost unaware of his subtle ache for holiness. He doesn't pound us with guilt when we're in the wrong.
Deep sigh.
I don’t like my attitude. I hate when I have smushed someone and I didn’t
wait and bounce my communication ideas off my hubby. He has a totally different
personality than me, so all of my typical 'Jennifer'' assumptions are almost
always so far off it should be funny. It would be funny if I didn’t take those
particular things so seriously. Man are we different. His personality is far
more introverted than mine, and his humor is sooo differnt. Very very
diff-er-nt.
I’m kinda laughing at non-funny things like inside jokes, spelling mistakes and
isms. Those barely translate in our international relationship. I’m looking at
him when he’s laughing at something I think is entirely inappropriate – for example: kids
playing with food or something yucky. We are different. He sees the kids having
fun, I see the kids personally undoing all my cleaning efforts in order to
specifically break mommy’s heart.
Right….that is an exaggeration, but good to think about. Most kids are not forward
thinking enough to produce a perfect strategy that completely unhinges their mommies or
daddies. It's usually funny little quirks about our personalities that we like to call buttons or triggers, and our little pumpkins or random colleagues have inadvertently discovered them.
I wish my personality had less quirks. Thankfully my hubby
really does even me out so that most people think I am a pretty sane, reasonably
kind person, who is sometimes even gentle. That is, in fact, the love of my life rubbing off on
me. And, I specifically asked God for that when I was a teenager praying for my future husband every night. I had a list of personality traits, character qualities, special dates, and physical attributes I asked for in my future hubby. I literally asked that he would be my help-meet in building up my character where I recognized that I had flaws and shortcomings. He is the answer to my midnight prayers. He is the single most important person in my life, next to Jesus.
I’m so happy the love of my life is on a
plane coming home. I will wait a couple days to send anymore not urgent emails, so
as not so send something that makes me cringe when I go back and read it later.
Oh, Jesus. Help me be more like you. I want to be more sensitive to other
people and not assuming their motives, or their hearts don’t have the best in
mind for me. I need to be less of a meany. Thank you for helping me. I don’t even get it. I don’t understand how just breathing a prayer helps me see that I am
forgiven, helped, loved and created in your image. You love to see me lean
deeper into your heart so that I can love more people with different
personalities, giftings, experiences and walks of life. You love when I lay down your job of convicting, and pick up love. I’m not Holy Spirit. When I try to judge people’s motives - Holy Spirit's job - it comes across
pretty stinky (poopy duty) in a way that is motivated by condemnation. I just
look into Papa’s God heart and know that he not only forgives me when I’m not
reflecting him, he empowers me to become more like Him in that moment.
Who does that? Who loves so intensely that correction is a delight?
Who does that? Who loves so intensely that correction is a delight?
Only Him. Only Jesus.
Inside his great heart we find peace, love and joy!
Be blessed as you lean deeper into his heart!
Lots of lub,
Missionary Momma Mia
…see, I think that weird mis-spelling is funny. I’m a dork,
but a bit of an emotional one. I’m glad he designed my emotions to reflect His,
and he loves my quirks so much more than I do. You too!!! He loves your quirks
and humor even more than you do! He’s laughing with us so much more than we realize- like a papa who
adores his lil’ kiddos. He loves us with lavish love!!
Goodnight
No comments:
Post a Comment