P.S. to yesterday....

I did ask someone I love if they were feeling alright when I heard them stutter for the first time, and I found out that He was not ok. He had been, or was going back to the hospital for another malaria treatment because the previous round of meds didn’t get totally rid of this case of malaria. 

It was a big deal for me to know that asking a question about an abnormal behavior was ok. He wasn't offended. I knew he was smart, and pretty thoughtful before he spoke. He was usually methodical in his communication and I had never heard a stutter before. So, I was genuinely concerned when his stutter went a little bit into a slur. That's when I said to him what I hope someone would say to me if they noticed a brand new ‘quirk’ or maybe even a typical quirk of mine that was a little too pronounced.

So yeah. That is another reason why I’m so passionately talking and writing about mental wellbeing. That case of malaria stuck around and messed with his brain for a long time. Jesus won, and he's not even stuttering. But that was a big scare. 

I guess that is all I have in mind for mental wellbeing. I’m also interested in other things like, celebrating my little sister’s 30^th birthday, hosting my best-friend while she has a three day speaking engagement near Denver, and all the while getting ready for our trip to Cali and then on to Mozambique.

Do you want to know some of the preparations for our trip to California?

Dance moves! I love it!!!! A dear friend from our early days on the mission field is getting married and we’re gonna do a Bollywood flash-mob dance.

Here’s a few of the dance moves that I gotta try to roll through :-) to read because I thought that if I wrote out some of the dance choreography, then I could remember it better. I'm pretty wordy.....if you haven't noticed.

So here it is: Intro 1,2,3,4

Starting on 5, then 6,7,8  feet shoulder width apart both feet facing forward and tapping. Turn face towards the right lift right hand up straight and flat (bent at the elbow) in front of face, with left hand just under chin in the middle of upper chest. Pumping shoulder a bit and hands at the beat.

On 1, then do the same move facing left 2, 3, 4

Back to right on 5, then 6, 7, 8

On 1, move left hand from in front of the chest to the left of left hip at waist height. Move fingers to soft and long with middle finger touching the thumb. Step with the right foot slightly to towards the left in a counter clockwise motion bouncing the right hip with each step and slightly extending and retracting the arms on each step.  Then on through 2, 3, 4 ,5, 6, 7, and clap in front of your waist on 8 and change directions.

On 1, doing this move going from left to right. Clap on the 8 count

On 1, lift hands up and out in a slow bounce (slightly facing left with right knee slightly bent) out to 8 count. On Jai Hoo

That’s only the first part of the dance! It is going to be fun, and I am certain that the choreographer is going to tell us we look amazing!!!! Here’s hoping.

Well tomorrow is my day off from Blogging. So lots of love for two days!!!

Missionary Momma Mia 

Celebrating our brain's quirks

‘Well this happened’ is a pretty common phrase, and it's ok to say.

We all learn how to edit out mistakes that our brain previously thought was okay as we gain more education and experience. Our societies have certain standards that help maintain order, such as language spelling and grammar rules. We learn to speak our national language according to the standards that will produce the greatest ease of communication. However, as children and babies, the majority of us were probably allowed to say words with ‘baby sounds’ or our own baby words for various things like bottle, mother, father, food or pets. Lots of parents help their children edit out baby words before heading to elementary school. We expand our vocabulary and understanding of grammar in order to be better more mature communicators. Our brain edits out the habit of saying, “me want numnums” to “May I please have a snack.” Why? I think it’s because after a certain age,  one form of communication produces the desired result much more rapidly. (I think its because of the use of the magic word).

Some of us would rather not have communication norms and spelling and grammar rules. But, it would be really hard to understand other people. So, what am I trying to say? Every once in a while an adult has published a post, article or blog with a few small grammatical mistakes, or even left out an entire thought that caused a book to be revised only a year later. This stuff happens. It could be because word did or didn’t automatically change something. I tend to think that it is our brain being quirky and reminding us that we were once children. The learning process was, and is amazing. At the same time, our brains might need to edit out more childish thinking.

I think of spoonerisms or accidental ‘tongue twisters’ more like a quirk, a twitch, or a need for editing. It’s probably not so far out there that a spoonerism would interrupt our lives and be a major concern. It could be weird if someone hears the speaker switch sounds for the first time and it is considered ‘no laughing matter.’ Someone might throw out that is a sign of impending doom. I think that you are not necessarily on your way to a nervous breakdown because you said “spork and foon”. If someone said that to me, then I would have to say, ‘So that happened.’ or  “I’m sorry that’s not what I intended to come out of my mouth.” I usually laugh or argue that is not what I wanted to say!….

If it happens to you, learn your stuff! Know your stuff! And also admit when you aren’t sure and need to learn more about your stuff. Do some research about your quirk. My dad told me that a college professor was famous for switching the starting sounds of words around in a phrase, so that little quirk was given his name. That brain quirk became a ‘spoonerism’. Talk about celebrating his brain quirk! This is like fifth hand information. I don’t remember if I properly researched it. I was around twelve or thirteen the first time I was emphatically explaining something and it poured over my teeth incorrectly. I argued that that is not what I said. Dad helped me through it. Was there a college professor named Spooner? I think so. I believed him, and it calmed me from thinking my quirk was singular and a sign of doom.  

I mean seriously, does your leg twitch? Your nose tickle, or your eye blink rapidly? There could be some much deeper explanations for these things. But, if it is not interfering with normal routine or your life in general, it is probably something to look into in your spare time for curiosity sake and to learn something new about yourself.

If a little quirk becomes intrusive in life then it is probably time to celebrate it enough to let your friends know: “Hey, sometimes I get super excited when I’m talking and this happens…..” When friends are aware of your little quirk it might become more clear if that is actually something that is intrusive, or was only a little bit embarrassing but not really a big deal. Celebrating a quirky brain, a little tick, or a bouncy knee might just ease the situation. It also give our friends and family permission to say something like, “I’ve never heard you stutter before, is that normal and I never noticed it?”

We might be able to identify real ‘red flags’ or warnings of too much mental stress, an oncoming migraine headache, or an indicator that our ‘mental wellbeing’ might be on the downslope.

I love to celebrate my little quirks called “spoonerisms”, but if I stutter I want to be told so I can figure out why I would do something I’ve never done before. A quirk could become a source of immeasurable concern if someone makes a big negative deal out of it. If we celebrate the way our brain works with it’s quirks and all, we might not be caught off guard by a little brain quirk mistaken for a red flag or vice versa. We could be spared from having an actual breakdown.

My point is, talk about how you understand what’s going on in your mind with friends and family. We all process things in an individual way, pretty similarly, but we have different foundations, languages, analogies, and belief systems. It is important to know and identify more about how we understand our own thought processes in order to weird, I mean weed out quirks and warnings or ‘red flags’.

I do believe it is better to be safe than sorry, so as a mommy, I would suggest celebrating and looking into your brain quirks and learning more about them. Don't be afraid of what you find. Take care of you, Love you!

That’s enough thinking for now. Well, its not a very missionary-ish blog. Its from my experience of missionary living though. Anyway, I’m not editing this again tonight….take my word for it. Missionaries need to research things like what culture shock and compassion fatigue does to thought processing and emotions.  We can get really quirky.....it's probably still ok for most of us....At least my friends and family can laugh with me. 

Here's to JOY and Lots of love!

Missionary Momma Mia

Mental wellbeing should NOT be in the shadows

Mental wellbeing should NOT be in the shadows for fear of labeling! Sorry to shout that out, but its been on my mind since I finished my mental health class this semester. I've hinted about facing fears, but it's time for me to start saying it like it is.

The blog I titled ‘Facing the shadows with confidence’ was a little bit about mental wellbeing. When I think of fears or frustrations that lurk in our shadow of the past and hinder us from facing the shadow of the future, I think of the need to face those shadows for our own individual mental wellbeing.

The idea of cultivating our individual mental wellbeing isn’t very common, or commonly spoken about in our western culture. I feel like our society would rather wait until someone cracks instead of talking about mental wellbeing on a normal basis.

We do have our fair share of blogs, medical journals, and advertisements, but I feel like it isn’t something that we want to say around the dining room table.  “So Honey, how do you feel like your thought process was going today? Smoothly, interrupted, overwhelmed or totally cut off?” or,  “ So kids, rating between 1 to 10, ten being the most focused, what was your degree of focused concentration in school today?”

I think of cultivating mental wellbeing as being aware and talking about: rest, thought process, ability to concentrate, face all of our emotions, and communicate honestly with other people around us. That list could be adapted to anyone who addresses mental wellbeing with their family. Those are the topics that come up in our family. Yes, my hubby and I talk about how the brain works with our children. We talk about being able to focus, the importance of rest, dealing with strong emotions, and communicating lovingly with people around us.

I feel like the western society hears the two words “Mental Health” and they immediately picture a terrible mad house from the late 1800’s or early 1900’s. People envision the worst of mental illnesses that transform the most societally acceptable person from attending dinner parties to sitting in a padded locked cell. I feel like our culture has come a long way to accept and appreciate individuals with some mental deficiencies, but refuses to see the inability of a brain to function in the 'average' way as anything but taboo. It isn’t considered something acceptable to discuss with family or friends because we tend to believe that it is something that needs a professional.

I get it. The reality of neurotransmitters rapidly misfiring overwhelming the senses, or toxic levels of chemicals fogging up thought process and invoking a very convincing memory or thought to be as real as if the person were sleeping and having a deep REM dream is just something that we have to leave to the doctors. Really? We can't touch on the subject and how it shows up in our behavior?

If we let our children get that far then they might be afraid to tell us if they are suffering with overwhelming day dreams, weird fantasies, or un-processable emotions. My hubby and I want to cultivate a safe place for our children to talk about how they feel like their mind is 'working'. It’s not every day, but we do ask the kids about their dreams, school work and emotions pretty regularly. Some couples might not like this, but we ask each other too.

I thought about writing about this stuff when I finished my last final, I took a mental health class. Big surprise for some, but my close friends know how important mental health has been to me for nearly my entire life. It became a lot more important as one of my areas of research and study when our family life demonstrated the need to better understand what is happening in our kids actual brains when they are unable to explain it. That research has never really grown exhausting. I keep finding another topic to read about, or study. The brain is amazing. It is just as important to me to try to understand some of the basic functions of the brain as understanding my gut.

Most parents are on top of teaching our kids how to warn us if their tummy hurts, why not warn us if they are not feeling rested when they wake up in the morning, or afraid of getting on the bus… Wait did you realize that some of your parent to child conversations might actually involve ‘mental health awareness’? Of course! We do actually have a pretty sound foundation for teaching our kids about rest and emotions. Maybe we even have normal questions about thought processing and communication. It would be a lot easier for us as a society to address our individual mental health if we didn’t consider ‘Mental Wellbeing’ a monster in the shadows. The monster grows as long as he is fighting for attention. Give the monster some uncomfortable attention and he is going to have to begin to step into the light, and probably shrink - might become less ugly too.

It’s important to consider the components of mental wellbeing, instead of fearing ‘Mental Illness’. I feel like some mental discomfort left un-addressed for too long probably develops into ‘illness’ in a similar fashion that a neglected cold evolves into an ugly sinus infection.

That's why I'm saying it's time to talk about mental wellbeing. I definitely think that questions should be very open, without projecting our perceptions or answers to the ‘problem’. If my son is having a hard time focusing and I automatically fix the problem for him, then he is going to rely on me. I want them to learn how to face these challenges, and I don’t want to project a ‘diagnosis’ for their problem. I want to raise up children who know that their brains are an amazing organ. They need love and care, just like a heart, stomach, and guts. Waiting to hear their perception of what is going on is a bit grueling sometimes, but their answers can be really original and informative.

They have answers that are usually keys to helping them solve their own ‘mental wellbeing challenge’. One of my favorite 'mental wellbeing' things was teaching my kids how to face the bad guys in their dreams at an early age. Each one of our boys had a phase where their dreams really stole their rest. They woke up sad, exhausted and concerned. We talked about the dreams and what they wanted to change about the dream. I was surprised to learn that each one of my boys changed their dreams in different ways. One time he became a ninja and beat the tiger, another time one of the boys went back to sleep welcomed the same dream and became a superhero who flew away from the problem. This is just one example of our family cultivating mental wellbeing.

We recognized the need to address mental wellbeing early on when we learned that cerebral malaria can cause delirium, hallucinations, mental confusion or severe sudden headaches before becoming fatal (often the fever, runs, vomit and other common symptoms don’t show up because cerebral malaria is attacking the nervous system and the brain). We realized that talking about mental health was going to need to be a common part of our missionary lifestyle.   

On returning to America after over a decade of living overseas, I have realized that American needs to worry less about ‘labels’ of mental illness that are unacceptable in society and start talking about Mental Health.

From one momma to somebodies child, What do you think is the most impossible ‘brain’ thing to talk about? It is quite possibly your gift to figure out something unique about that process or function in your amazing brain that is unique to you! That’s what I tell my kiddos. Your brain is amazing! No one has a brain just like yours. Take care of you. For starters, talk with your friends or family about emotions, rest, thought processing, and concentration.

Yes, doctors can really help when there is a broken piece, and therapy can increase and maintain mental wellness. I am not suggesting that talking about mental wellbeing at home is a substitute for professional care when it is necessary. I am hoping that more and more families will take that monster out of the shadows and be willing to say, “I survived a mental breakdown in my early twenties” “I am reducing stress factors in my life to increase my mental wellbeing.” And even, “ I need more than a healthy diet and regular sleep schedule to maintain my mental wellbeing.”

This is not intended as a judgmental 'rant' telling people who struggle to "get better". This is a cry for more conversations about mental wellbeing from a survivor of a mental break that culminated after a miscarriage, terrible case of malaria, and a sick toddler at the brink of dying. With the love and support of my husband, care from two doctors friends and family, I have come to the other side of a mental break. There was a bleak few moments in my life one evening when my thoughts didn’t function and I was not in control of my faculties. My husband was my hero that evening, he was just like Jesus in the flesh. I knew it was my husband’s voice and face near me, but after everything in my thoughts shifted back to ‘sound mind’ processing, I knew that my husband had loved me 'just like Jesus love me' through a terrible and scary event.

We had faced my greatest fear that I had shared with him before going into our marriage. I was afraid that because of my genetic make-up I would have a mental break-down and he wouldn’t love me after that. I feared that He would think I was ‘less’ than other people.That's not what he did. He prayed over me, prayed with me, and held me until I stopped trembling. He brought me fever reducer, I was also really sick. He brought me food and water and made sure that I followed the doctor’s orders and took to bed rest for the next three months. We learned a lot about how the physical condition of our bodies couldn’t be pushed beyond its limits. We learned that it is our responsibility to cultivate and maintain physical and mental well-being.  

We learned that we have to take care of ourselves. So, it comes from a heart full of love and a bit of experience when I write: Take care of you. Learn what you need. Jesus said it perfectly when he said: Love you and love others.

Lots of love,

Missionary Momma Mia

P.S. I don’t mean that we should take all of our wildest fantasies, ideas, and darkest dreams and tell the world so that we are rejected by society and then labeled with an unpleasant label.  I also don’t mean that you should share your hardest moments publicly, unless you are ready for ridicule.

We always tell green missionaries not to throw their pearls before the swine. It’s important when something is so precious to you that you would give up all of your valuable positions to own it, that you treasure it, and keep it safe. For me right now, I know its time to share. I will give my pearls of wisdom to all who want them. I’m not afraid of them being trampled. In fact, I know that some will grab the pearls just to trample them. That is the risk I am willing to take in order for one more green missionary to have a ‘light bulb’ moment when they realize that their mind was too fogged down to think clearly, or one more family to dine with their ‘mental wellness monster’ and realize he’s not such a bad dinner guest.