Restore unto me

Today when I realized that there was something being ‘restored’ to me, I was initially reluctant. I had been happy with my negative association to something. Well, not happy but pretty comfortable. I hadn’t even realized that there was some lingering angst towards someone whom I had worked hard to reconcile with, and had definitely forgiven.

But, when I heard the words of a song, I didn’t get absorbed in the message. I immediately went back to the day someone gave me a CD and I just kinda sighed. I remembered how I felt when they had given me the gift, ok. A little bit thankful, and a little bit disappointed. The gift came with some interesting explanations. I was internally raising my eyebrow. (Yes, I raise one eyebrow when I am a lil skeptical of something) I hope it didn’t show on my face. I really hope that I didn’t flare my nostrils when the explanation continued, and was notably weird. It was a, “I don’t know why….kinda explanation." But it just seems weird to be the recipient of a reluctant gift, or the gift giver giving what they believe is an unwanted present.

The gift was actually really cool! I was really happy to that that cd - later after I listened to it, and dismissed the explanation as ‘whatever’. Clearly, I was missing the gift giver’s communication objective. We crossed communication so many times my eyes started crossing when the gift giver started breathing towards me. I could feel the defense forming in my mind as I anticipated their next remark. It was definitely a deep sigh of relief when our communication decreased based on a change of circumstances.  

Change of circumstances doesn’t mean that all the miscommunication or hurt feelings from miscommunication had been properly addressed. I mean that was obviously one of the problems. It was hard to address lots of things, especially whatever caused hurt feelings in the first place. It took some time, but we actually addressed the most obvious matters, forgave and reconciled. Some things, uncovered today, are still left to be restored. It can be hard to recognize that something was damaged, especially if the damage was just a tiny crack, or chip in a hidden spot. Then we are actually lucky or blessed when we discover that something was damaged. That means we can uproot any tiny hair thin root of bitterness that was growing ever deeper, and would continue growing somewhat unnoticed until it caused notable damage. 

But why am I bitter? I forgave the gift giver. Why the negative association? Did I forgive myself for failing that relationship? Probably not, and I really haven’t let go of all the little hurt feelings. There was so much potential. I lost something, but today I’ve regained something else.  

With the words of a song shedding light on my negative association, I had to choose to between holding onto negative association or rediscovering the heart of the song’s message. It’s time to let go of girlish thinking that I can be everyone’s best friend. I’m not going to click with everyone. It’s ok. Their thoughts about me or perspective of me, don’t define me. It’s ok, they can think those thoughts. My thoughts about me are sometimes a little bit off too. Its perspective. Somebody has a perfect perspective. Perfect thoughts.

I that know someone who has perfect thoughts about me. Papa God’s thoughts about me created me. His thoughts about me define me. That’s life giving! Transforming cracks into artwork. So I can let go of the negative ‘side notes’ to the song and listen to the message.

It’s actually overwhelmingly powerful. I can’t believe I let that song be lost to me before today….something beautiful was restored to me today. I'm incredibly blessed, and I really haven't earned his smile, or even deserve it in my opinion. But he sees me through his son's eyes. Jesus is the perfect gift giver. His explanation of his gift is sometimes dumbfounding. I'm in awe that he receives me with open arms and carries me to Papa God's lap so that I can have whatever time I need to recognize his perfect love that wipes out every fear of someone not approving of me, or of me not approving of me. How can God love me so much? 

I'm overwhelmed with gratitude, and brimming over with Joy. These tears are not sorrow, but Joy!

Lots more love and Joy to you, (and a bit less bitterness to seep out of me)

Missionary Momma Mia