I was really surprised. I waited in a slightly crowded room
and chatted small talk with a few other students until one of my professors
from more than a decade ago came to speak with me. He was by no means a ‘dark or
shadowy person’. I still felt a little bit intimidated though, possibly because it was evident that
he is a man in charge. I observed genuine kindness and humility in his
character as he responded to the respect, honor, and esteem that people showed
him. He wasn’t haughty, proud or overly persuasive. How had my memory managed
to put a significant level of blame on him for me not getting my degree over a
decade ago? My memory painted him as somewhat of a bully, yet, I didn’t see
that at all today.
It’s hard to admit it, but the shadow was more likely my own projection
of failure, pride, and stubbornness. Everyone has their hidden faults, and it
is impossible to discern the depths of someone’s character in a day. I'm not saying he's perfect, at the
same time the second “first impression” of this shadowy figure in my memory was a positive one that opened a flood
gate of positive memories.
It wasn’t a bad shadow anymore, it was just a thing that I
hadn’t faced since I walked away from my University over twelve years ago. I finally spoke with someone who I was certain
would be intimidating and probably disappointed in me. I found out that my memories
are good at re-writing history. He was kind and considerate, and not the least bit
disappointed. That was surprising. My perspective was wrong.
It’s amazing to me how a memory that was unpleasant, or
would cause me to doubt my own self-esteem built up strong emotions around the
facts and twisted other characters in my history into “unseemly” characters –
something was wrong with them, not me.
It was childish behavior. I think of my 20’s as the years
that I thought I could conquer the world. I didn’t recognize my own physical
and mental limitations. I pressed myself to try and graduate with nineteen
credit hours for my final semester. It didn’t work. One thing that did console
me was that those who counseled me to register in less classes were right. It
took me a while, but I really am thoroughly grateful for advice from people who
have more experience than me.
I should have trusted God’s voice when he clearly told me
that I shouldn’t register in any classes in 2003/04 school year. He knew how busy that season of my life was going to be, and all
the self-doubt that the long route was going to cause. I was so adamant that he had
given me the dream of going to get my degree in the first place. How could I be
done with only three years of community college and college completed? I argued
with God, and he was quiet when I asked him to help me register for the right
courses for the semester. Ever semester before I literally could see the class section
highlighted as if it jumped off the page of the catalog (back then the class
schedules were still big printed books). I relied on Holy Spirit to confirm all
the details of my college schedule. It was his idea. I never would have gone
from music and art to Administration? There was a night in India in 2000 when I
was singing on the balcony, and I could feel a tangible embrace from Jesus. He whispered
in my spirit, “Would you go back to get a degree in Administration?”
I knew it was the greatest idea, because I would have never
thought of it! I hadn’t thought beyond graduating from high school and getting to
the mission field. I was 18 and ready to go live in Mozambique the first time
there was an open door. I thought for sure I could go from a discipleship
training program to a base in Mozambique. There wasn’t an open door yet. The
missionaries that I knew with that specific training program where headed to a different
country. God knew all these details before he asked me to get a degree in
Administration. I didn’t know them. I just made a promise to go forward with
Jesus, even if that meant to go back to the USA to study. That is what I did.
I never imagined that I would be able to start the degree
plan in 2002, after transferring from a community college, and finish somewhere
like 2016 or 2017. That wasn’t even in my imagination, but anything is
possible.
I used nearly all of the non-profit administration course material
that I had studied during these ten years that we lived in Mozambique. In fact,
the first time I ever heard Heidi speak at a Voice of Apostles Conference in
October 2002, she ended one of the morning, or afternoon meetings by asking if
there was anyone with administrative skills willing to throw their life away
for Jesus in Mozambique. I had waited my entire life since I was eleven years
old for that open door. I knew it was the perfect moment for me to be there,
and the perfect invitation. I threw my hand straight up in the air like a child
in class asking to be picked as the volunteer. She saw me, of course I had sat
on the floor near the very front of the room during that entire meeting. She
prayed over a big group of on-fire Christians who burned for Jesus and longed to carry his glory to the nations. I had such radical encounters with God during that
conference. My heart was so thrilled as she invited me to come to Mozambique.
I did visit Mozambique, met Joao Wenningkamp and the rest is
history.
Who would have thought that going to go to college to study
administration would have been one of my strongest signs from God this was my open door? She and her husband were the
missionary couple I could learn from on the mission field. Me hearing God’s
voice and knowing is what gave me the courage to drop everything in Spring 2004
to get married and move to Africa. I never understood why or how I would ever
finish my degree with such a big gap away from the school, but in the meantime
the school that was a college became a university the year that I reregistered
as a return student.
When God spoke to me in India about getting a degree in
Administration, I saw a vision of a sign that said ‘University’. I thought that
was just my imagination, and not an important detail.
Important details are IMPORTANT. God is in the details. Well
he holds all of creation together, but anyway. The details matter. I’m getting a degree from
a University. The shadow seemed dark and billowing, but it was just because I needed
to turn the light switch on to shed a little light on the subject.
Light-switch on! Going forward with Jesus at my University.
I feel pretty cool about that.
Praying for hope and courage to find that light-switch for
anyone facing a shadow. The truth will be glorious, maybe a little bit
difficult to face, but totally liberating.
Lots of love,
Missionary Momma Mia
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