Blurgin'

Random unimportant silliness....purposeful mistakes

Thinking on paper? not really in Word...that's why it is better to blurg in moments like these.

It’s better to blurg sometimes. Then it can be some silly list, or two half sentences spaced really far apart. It can also be random nonsense that is basically practicing using a keyboard and using proper grammatical structure.

In blurging there are no concerns about being redundant or boring, because it can be four words. Its just so much easier to edit a blurg. So many times when I am writing a serious blog, I get bogged down by my own wordiness. Next thing I know, I have to write nothing or next to nothing.

But in the sport of keeping a daily blog, I will post a blurg that talks about nothing. So here it is, Nada, and by the way I’m totally following this with a list!

*I’m excited that my husband is coming back to Colorado soon. Hope that all works out really well.

*He has so much to do, so I hope and pray that he can see what is urgent and ignore the other stuff so that he can breath in yummy African air.

*I’m thrilled that my oldest son had a blast at Adventure camp.

*I’m super happy that I’m finally catching up on spending time with my lil sister and her kiddos, but then I want to spend more time with them. Time to plan a weekend in the mountains or something cool. Movie. Hike, camp out….hum

*my other sister is coming here soon too! but I miss the whole bunch. Must video call more

*what else? What goes on this list. I could probably make a list about other things like FASFA, University appointments, and homework, also can’t leave out reports and stuff.

*we need to get these missionary kids to Water World or Six flags. I was Jonathan’s age the first time I remember going to Six flags over Texas. I went before, but 11 was epic!

That’s enough words for a blurg. I know I need to get back into the habit of writing and editing, but not tonight. I will go back and fix things later. 

Hugs and Lots of love,

Missionary Momma Mia 

When darkness falls

There are leaders who stumble when darkness falls over their lives, and so many people talk about their 'abuse of authority'. We have probably all experienced some degree of injustice, unfairness, or even abuse from some figure of authority.

We cannot change the figure of authority, or their behavior. We can change our response to their behavior, and maybe just maybe we can influence them to change. When darkness falls, we fail to look with eyes of brilliance. When darkness falls, we fail to see where roadblocks lay in front of us. When darkness falls, we stumble in the shadow and hope we find our way back to the light.

I didn’t want to write much tonight. I was thinking about going to bed and writing tomorrow. I have honored my Sabbath rest plan by taking either Saturday evening or Sunday evening off from blogging, or even journaling. It has been a blessing for me to know that I’m not trying to produce something or force my own hand. I’m just going with the flow of the Holy Spirit, and writing about what comes to mind and what surfaces from my memory.

Tonight, I thought that if I did write, it would be about the majestic feeling of an American University Graduation Ceremony and my reflections on the many Bible School Graduation Ceremonies we attended or were a part of in Mozambique. I find myself more invested in the ‘whys’ behind the feelings of grandeur and awe, completion and unity, accomplishment and growth.

See, the 'why' in Mozambique is similar to here, but it looked different. We were so honored to be able to give each graduating Bible student a t-shirt and a certificate. We would celebrate with them in the presence of the Lord with prayer tunnels and big slobbery piles of graduates who were overcome by the weighty presence of God. They responded in tears and laughter falling on the floor or jumping for joy. They would crumple to the straw mats at the front of the traditionally constructed mud church. The floor was special. It had a layer of smooth cement, instead of pounded dirt. That made for a lot less dust when they congregation was dancing. The altar area was made softer for the knees and bodies of people who feel over under God’s presence and anointing with straw mats laid out as natural carpet. Sometimes there would be a huddle of people who feel in a bunch. Men on their faces had another man falling onto the floor so close to him that his head was on his brother’s back. They didn’t care. They didn’t wait for 'catchers' to allow them to fall in an orderly fashion on the floor of the church altar so they wouldn't touch their neighbor. They just receive everything that was available for them from God. They responded with open hearts and unrestricted behavior. They weren’t overly aware of what someone watching might be thinking or concerned if they landed on their classmate. They just wanted more of God. Their certificate wasn’t the objective! Their hearts full of God and his presence IS their objective! They wanted every last drop of anointing, impartation, and tangible LOVE that was thick in that big meeting room before they headed back home to their homes and their families after three months of intensive Bible training.

Their graduation ceremony was so intensely different from my brother’s University graduation ceremony today. Yet, I felt such an awe and majesty that left me thrilled for each and every graduate. I am seriously hopeful that each one of them left their ceremony with a wonderful feeling of accomplishment and self-worth, along with the education they were looking for. It was truly touching. It was altogether different from our ceremonies in Africa. The floor was cement though! And it happened in one BIG room. So very different though in almost every other aspect.

The lights and sound were so professional, the seating was sufficient for all the attendants, not waning electricity and standing room only. The stage was swanky, and they were all dressed in dignified robes. It was full of splendor and honor just like our ceremony in Africa, but it looked very different. We had dignified t-shirts and caps for our grads (baseball caps). We also had honor for our faculty, directors and our God. It looked very different at the end though. I’m sure that the graduating students celebrated their diplomas in a fashion fitting to their environment. 

So what is it that our environment is creating? What kind of atmosphere is our environment inviting? Are we people who have such a strong sense of authority that we command and affect our environment? Or are we affected by our environment? Sometimes a environment is to strong and its best we get out of there, but where we live, work and celebrate community and fellowship is our typical environment. Are we affecting our environment or being affected? or both?

If we are certain we are affecting our environment, how do we really know if our authority is internal coming from a source of unending power connected to our spirits, or an environmentally accepted and adorned position of power that invokes temporal authority? I think we dwell in the shadows until we command the light to increase. If we can go to a dark place and cause light to shine then we can know that we are affecting our environment. If we can stay under a shadow (only as long as Papa God is asking us too) and contend for light until it gets brighter, then we are affecting our environment.

When darkness falls we can run to the other side of the cave, cloud, or storm; or we can hover over a little chicks like a momma chicken who knows the storm will pass, the cloud won’t last, or our eyes will adjust to the dim light of the cave or our other senses will respond to the Holy Spirit as he guides us to safety.

For years I’ve wondered how leaders can forgive the gravest offenses. They give glory to God for what he has done in spite of stupid people doing stupid things! They don't focus on the offense, they give glory to God for his works through them. God is still God. 

Tonight as my husband and I talked for about an hour and half, we realized that if they couldn’t forgive those people turning their back on God they couldn’t forgive us for real or imagined offenses.

We’ve walked through darkness when there were real offenses committed against us, and we really offended other people. Those connections were shattered while we try to pick up the pieces of what was once a healthy life-giving relationship. We stood back and observed different people who offended or hurt us without trying to mend the connection until we were confident in Christ in us, that we weren’t going to mend something that was just going to be shattered again.  The old saying says: Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. We waited on God to help us be truly humble, and really see Jesus on them and them. We forgave them. Forgiveness is constant though until the break is mended. But we watched and waited for enough information to go forward and see God heal a broken relationship. 

Let me tell you, there is no reason to try and mend something when the darkness is still hiding some of the broken pieces. When it’s time to rebuild a bridge or glue the shattered pottery, all the missing pieces will be in the light.

When darkness falls, its for a reason. Not so we can point fingers and blame another leader for ‘falling into sin’ or ‘abusing authority’. I believe it helps us to wait, to go lower and deeper into the dark well. To get closer and closer to the red hot embers. It helps us to become the flame that burns up the darkness. It causes us to change.

If someone really does have a tendency to abuse their power, they need to be told how the victim has overcome what they did and are believing God for divine justice on both sides of glory. If someone really has fallen into sin, they need to be loved to repentance. It’s kindness that says, “Oh, you are wearing skin just like me. You need to feel forgiveness that unlocks you from guilt and convicts you to change!” “Oh, you need to be honored as a sister or brother in Christ even if I can’t respect your temporal position of power.”

When darkness falls we can choose to be the light.

From one momma to somebodies child, please don’t try to mend a relationship that isn’t ready to be mended. Burn with love for the person who offended you. How do you do that? Ask God how he sees them, and why are they in your life. Wait until you are ready, but follow Holy Spirit's prompting even if you feel timid inside yourself. Be confident in who you are in Christ, and their response is first of all, between them and Jesus.

My husband and I asked God why someone is still in our lives tonight, and we were pretty overwhelmed with the revelation that came out of our soul searching. (We know that people are going to be with us for eternity, so its good to bring kingdom thinking into our connections with people now. That doesn't mean there aren't people who cause us to lift our eyebrows at God) It’s been years of asking God to help us love some person more, and what is another detail about that person that is important and life giving for our spirits? We realized that someone that we really do love, even though we’ve been hurt by some of their decisions, has some understanding and depth of forgiveness that we can still learn from. If they didn't forgive those terrible things, how could they forgive us? Yep folks, ever once in a blue moon, I might make a mistake, hurt someone, or sin....I need to be forgiven.

Trying to forgive someone is a step closer to forgiveness, and a step farther away from bitterness.

I pray that you can graduate from a grudge and love someone special again.

Lots of love,

Jennifer

Missionary Momma Mia 

Final Final Finished Woowhoo!

I know it's not my graduation tomorrow, but I am still celebrating the final final of this semester being finished. As a returning student, I want to celebrate every single end of a chapter. Graduating is like finishing or publishing a book. I'm happy with the short chapters in between the massive accomplishments.

So here it is:

WooWhoo! I just finished my final assignments for this semester. ;-) 

What a relief. Now I need to register in one or two classes this summer. The register link on my schools page is down. So, I wait while I journal in word. This is the step I need to get to the class I want to take in the fall. That is supposed to be my only class left in the fall. Here’s hoping.

The thing about being a returning student is that catalogs change, programs are adjusted, and even my vision for attending university changes after ten years away from class! It’s a lot of bending and changing that requires flexibility. Thankfully I picked that skill up on the mission field!

I still feel like there is so much unknown in returning to be a student, maybe every student feels that to some degree… that he/she is facing something unknown. That’s part of learning. It’s not just the professors and books. It is awkward for me feeling older than the majority of the students. There are plenty of mature students at my University. I am not the only student over 22. There are lots of students in their mid to late twenties. Thankfully, there are also students near my age or older in each one of my classes. I feel like I could try to blend in with the youngens, But I can’t follow millennial lifestyle anyway. I don’t know their music, tv, or natural form of communication – electronic texts and chatting.

That’s ok. I’m learning that too. I’m learning that I like the quirks that are uniquely ‘me’.  

This is what being a student is about for me right now. Recognizing more of the interesting details about me, and the limitations that I’ve had before I learned how to do stuff like blogging. Who am I kidding? I have sent out emails since 2000, and I still have the same email address. I didn’t save all my emails from back then, but hey, sometimes electronic communication is like a post-it note gone bad that you need to trash….I do think I lost some important stuff though…. Oh well. If I had written it by hand. Wait back then I did write most things by hand and then type them and send them via email….

I have had an account on Myspace, LinkedIn, and am willing to try twitter. I don’t use them super regularly. I forget why I have them. But there is a reason. I’m not a huge fan of these things – really?!? I try to convince myself of that because the romanticism of a written letter is just dreamy! I do love hand written journals. But I can feel the cramp in my hand just thinking about trying to write down the details of a long day or a weird dream.

Typing on a computer is convenient. I don’t have to scratch the words out of my way when I remember another thing that ruins my chronological order of the written account of my day. I can figure out how to cut and paste a detail that doesn’t belong here, but up there at the top of the page – and who cares about pages? It can be seamless if we don’t type in word. Typing on a laptop is even more convenient. I can sit where ever I like, and rattle away on the keyboard while I wait to see if I can register for my other summer class.

It looks like the website is still thinking about opening. Well, a momma has got to sleep. Big day tomorrow. Baby brother is graduating. I’m so proud of him. Now I need some beauty rest if anyone downtown tomorrow is going to think that I am close to his age. J

Lots of love,

Missionary Momma Mia 

Faced a shadow today

I was really surprised. I waited in a slightly crowded room and chatted small talk with a few other students until one of my professors from more than a decade ago came to speak with me. He was by no means a ‘dark or shadowy person’. I still felt a little bit intimidated though, possibly because it was evident that he is a man in charge. I observed genuine kindness and humility in his character as he responded to the respect, honor, and esteem that people showed him. He wasn’t haughty, proud or overly persuasive. How had my memory managed to put a significant level of blame on him for me not getting my degree over a decade ago? My memory painted him as somewhat of a bully, yet, I didn’t see that at all today.

It’s hard to admit it, but the shadow was more likely my own projection of failure, pride, and stubbornness. Everyone has their hidden faults, and it is impossible to discern the depths of someone’s character in a day. I'm not saying he's perfect, at the same time the second “first impression” of this shadowy figure in my memory was a positive one that opened a flood gate of positive memories.   

It wasn’t a bad shadow anymore, it was just a thing that I hadn’t faced since I walked away from my University over twelve years ago.  I finally spoke with someone who I was certain would be intimidating and probably disappointed in me. I found out that my memories are good at re-writing history. He was kind and considerate, and not the least bit disappointed. That was surprising. My perspective was wrong.

It’s amazing to me how a memory that was unpleasant, or would cause me to doubt my own self-esteem built up strong emotions around the facts and twisted other characters in my history into “unseemly” characters – something was wrong with them, not me.

It was childish behavior. I think of my 20’s as the years that I thought I could conquer the world. I didn’t recognize my own physical and mental limitations. I pressed myself to try and graduate with nineteen credit hours for my final semester. It didn’t work. One thing that did console me was that those who counseled me to register in less classes were right. It took me a while, but I really am thoroughly grateful for advice from people who have more experience than me.

I should have trusted God’s voice when he clearly told me that I shouldn’t register in any classes in 2003/04 school year. He knew how busy that season of my life was going to be, and all the self-doubt that the long route was going to cause. I was so adamant that he had given me the dream of going to get my degree in the first place. How could I be done with only three years of community college and college completed? I argued with God, and he was quiet when I asked him to help me register for the right courses for the semester. Ever semester before I literally could see the class section highlighted as if it jumped off the page of the catalog (back then the class schedules were still big printed books). I relied on Holy Spirit to confirm all the details of my college schedule. It was his idea. I never would have gone from music and art to Administration? There was a night in India in 2000 when I was singing on the balcony, and I could feel a tangible embrace from Jesus. He whispered in my spirit, “Would you go back to get a degree in Administration?”

I knew it was the greatest idea, because I would have never thought of it! I hadn’t thought beyond graduating from high school and getting to the mission field. I was 18 and ready to go live in Mozambique the first time there was an open door. I thought for sure I could go from a discipleship training program to a base in Mozambique. There wasn’t an open door yet. The missionaries that I knew with that specific training program where headed to a different country. God knew all these details before he asked me to get a degree in Administration. I didn’t know them. I just made a promise to go forward with Jesus, even if that meant to go back to the USA to study. That is what I did.

I never imagined that I would be able to start the degree plan in 2002, after transferring from a community college, and finish somewhere like 2016 or 2017. That wasn’t even in my imagination, but anything is possible.

I used nearly all of the non-profit administration course material that I had studied during these ten years that we lived in Mozambique. In fact, the first time I ever heard Heidi speak at a Voice of Apostles Conference in October 2002, she ended one of the morning, or afternoon meetings by asking if there was anyone with administrative skills willing to throw their life away for Jesus in Mozambique. I had waited my entire life since I was eleven years old for that open door. I knew it was the perfect moment for me to be there, and the perfect invitation. I threw my hand straight up in the air like a child in class asking to be picked as the volunteer. She saw me, of course I had sat on the floor near the very front of the room during that entire meeting. She prayed over a big group of on-fire Christians who burned for Jesus and longed to carry his glory to the nations. I had such radical encounters with God during that conference. My heart was so thrilled as she invited me to come to Mozambique.

I did visit Mozambique, met Joao Wenningkamp and the rest is history.

Who would have thought that going to go to college to study administration would have been one of my strongest signs from God this was my open door? She and her husband were the missionary couple I could learn from on the mission field. Me hearing God’s voice and knowing is what gave me the courage to drop everything in Spring 2004 to get married and move to Africa. I never understood why or how I would ever finish my degree with such a big gap away from the school, but in the meantime the school that was a college became a university the year that I reregistered as a return student.

When God spoke to me in India about getting a degree in Administration, I saw a vision of a sign that said ‘University’. I thought that was just my imagination, and not an important detail.

Important details are IMPORTANT. God is in the details. Well he holds all of creation together, but anyway.  The details matter. I’m getting a degree from a University. The shadow seemed dark and billowing, but it was just because I needed to turn the light switch on to shed a little light on the subject.

Light-switch on! Going forward with Jesus at my University. I feel pretty cool about that.

Praying for hope and courage to find that light-switch for anyone facing a shadow. The truth will be glorious, maybe a little bit difficult to face, but totally liberating.

Lots of love,

Missionary Momma Mia

Finish what you started

Ok, time to face tomorrow with a clear head. How I face today and tomorrow will affect my future.

Tomorrow is the last day of one of my classes this semester. I’m so happy to be closing this chapter. Well almost. I still need to get into my final class/or classes for the fall. Then, I can really close the BA student chapter in my life. My little brother is graduating May 14^th and I’m super proud of him. We registered for the spring 2016 semester together –with the plan of graduating together. I had to take a step back and be real about my responsibilities as a wife, mommy, children’s center co-director, and University student.  

All of the time that each aspect of my life requires had to be considered. I couldn’t jump ahead of myself. I had to rethink what my week would really look like if I had one more day on campus starting bright and early on Monday and going to school through Thursday. It’s about a 45 minute drive each way. With all that in mind, and a few other details, I withdrew from one of the most important classes for my degree this spring, because they do offer the class in the spring and fall semesters. Well, I’m not going to graduate with my baby brother.  And now not only do I have to think about my final exams and final week of class (that is half way over!), I have to register for the same class that I withdrew from this spring. It doesn’t promise to be as easy as it was last semester. That’s ok. I’ll have to figure out what I need to do, and get it done. Thankfully there are professional counselors to help me with this!

I have very little idea of what I have to do next...This spring I was able to register for the class without a hitch, but I guess there are some glitches after I drop a class and try to register again the next semester. I need to talk with the dean of the department - and get approval. That might take more time than filling out a form online.

Now I need to meet with a professor from my past. I haven’t been his student for over a decade. Should be interesting. I wonder if the light-bulb will flicker on and he will remembers me. That might help me get back into the class, might not....Who knows?

My degree plan is individualized, so its not like I am the typical student at my Uni. I’m not going to the dean of my department asking him to help me get past a computer glitch. I have to convince him that this class is important for my entire degree. Maybe I should try talking with him after I finish my finals, but I gotta register right away….sweet Jesus, I need a whole bunch of wisdom.

Its about time that I face one of my professors that I still haven’t seen since I walked away just before finals week in spring 2004, to go get married to my handsome Brazilian husband. People do kinda make fun of people going to school to find Mr. right, but I didn't meet my husband at Uni. I met him on the mission field. I totally digress....Its late here. 

I have no idea how he will respond if he realizes or if he remembers, who I am as a returning student. I might have really disappointed this professor when I didn’t finish classes over ten years ago. I might have proven to be one of those students who didn’t know what they wanted. I’m not sure what he thinks. Maybe I need to ask him? Whatever he thinks or doesn’t think about me, I need to have a conversation with the dean of one of my departments.

Well, it’s time for me to finish what I started, and it isn’t about the end goal. It’s about people, and honoring the investment that people put into my dreams. There was a time when that dean was very determined to help me finish my IDP degree. No matter what happens, I do kinda owe him an apology for just splitting when all my professors worked so hard to help me graduate. I know that my kids teachers celebrate their success. I never really thought of that before today. Irregardless of what he thinks. I need to do the honorable thing.

Maybe I will sort this tomorrow or Thursday and get somewhere with what really should be my final semester at this Uni as a BA student.

Oh the thoughts to think.... and maybe I will get a better perspective in my dreams! I love to tell my boys to dream with Jesus.

lots of love,

Missionary Momma Mia