Happy Birthday Benaiah

Benaiah

The Lord has built. Someone came to me with a word for the baby that was in my belly, and even though the name they heard wasn’t my baby’s name, it was a prophetic word for me and the baby.

I had struggled with giving my baby a name to honor the ones who had been less obviously loved by me before that year. I had ‘favorites’, even though I tenderly loved other brother’s, cousins, parent figures, and in-laws – it was hard for me to demonstrate that love in the shadow of my very vibrant connection with my ‘favorites’.

Someone told me they felt like God spoke to them about the baby’s name, and they asked if we had already chosen a name for our newest addition to the family. I smiled and tilted my head to one side as I shook my head no. We had a name in mind that was not exactly what we were looking for, but our hearts were still searching for the perfect name.

The name from her was a message for me and the baby, not a name for the baby. She said a name kept popping in her head when she thought of me in prayer. It was my birth father’s name, she had no idea. She excitedly asked if I thought that God was showing her our baby’s name. I delicately let her know that it wasn’t our baby’s name, but a confirmation in the direction we were going with our baby name search. It confirmed our command to honor those we had ‘overlooked’. We were so humbled. In 2009 and 2010 we were on the path to truly deepen humility and to go lower still. We learned that it was impossible for us to continue in ministry without learning the lesson of honor. We saw a scripture verse that jumped out at us as we read the Bible. Then the same verse was a key scripture in the next message we listened to over the internet from Bethel church in Redding California. We listened to Bill Johnson preach about honor. It was crazy how the verse was exactly what God had plastered on the wall of our hearts that very week. (Matthew 10:41 – it rocked our world)

My hubby and I had a direct word from God to honor my birth father as we named our 3^rd son. It was confirmed as she whispered his name in my ear. He is a man that I have compassion for, and I am grateful for his role in my life. I have become a more compassionate person because of my relationship with him. His name was a reminder that we were on the right path to love the least of these. We have a command to love people for who they are in Christ, for the destiny that God has spoken over them and built inside them, not to see their behavior and temporary shell as their merit for blessing and honor. Wow, I could love him for his destiny, not only be compassionate for his need. This was another truth that began to apply to almost every aspect of my life in that season.

Look for what God has done, for the calling God has placed on people’s lives, and for the blessing that He is giving through them, and it is easy and light to bless the least ‘worthy’ person according to our immature standards.  Ok, the blessing in our son’s name isn’t to pass on a family legacy or to name him after my birth father, but to learn the message of his name. What was the message? We were still waiting. We knew it was about honor, strength, and destiny…..

Soon after that evening, something randomly pointed out a name in a scripture verse (yes, we are those people with kids who have Bible names- we’re missionaries, Christians and church goers. It was bound to happen) There is was a warrior, a strong man. One of the strongest, whose name was given the honor of not only being recorded as a might man, but actually the great feats of strength and victory that his valor deserved. Wow! A man of honor and strength. We felt a tug at our hearts. We wanted to call our lil pumpkin Benaiah. We asked a friend of ours to confirm the significance and root meaning of the name.

“The Lord has built” That shook us up, from our head to our toes! That was the summary of everything that God was pouring into our hearts and over our thoughts.

We had cried over the challenges of starting a ministry base from scratch with next to nothing – our faith was that small. We felt like it was almost nothing, only enough to help us survive in our poor decision to go back to the mission field and finish what we started.  We didn’t have funding for building projects, administrative loopholes, or any other high cost of starting a new ministry in a new place, but we had a word from God and a go ahead from our spiritual parents and pastors.

We had been in Chimoio for a long time, we prayed for more funding and buildings to house our beautiful Mozambican children, and our missionary family.  A dear friend of ours stayed in our house during our furlough in Colorado in 2010 while our family spent precious time in the states, and prepared for the birth of our third son. He has stayed connected to us ever since. He loves our family! Wow! He prays with us, encourages us and gives to our ministry.

We didn’t plan that. We didn’t ask him to give a donation to keep the ministry going, or to develop the center. He just gave sacrificially because of his love for this big International family! We had seen little progress in development and construction. We had requested electricity year before it was installed, we had a tiny source of water from a hand dug well. Everything was so slow going. We desperately wanted to build and develop.

We left Chimoio for our 5 month furlough that year wondering why we kept at it as missionaries. We knew it was the children and not the busy work of administration or the hope of building, but we still needed more buildings, more funding, more hep. As we just waited before the Lord in worship and prayer, he spoke to us about a spiritual foundation. He was building Iris Chimoio in a totally new way. It was different from our previous years as missionaries, and we suffered under challenging circumstances.  Yet, we had strong relationships with the tiny growing team. It was more like a family. We kept talking about family. In 2010 we knew it was a family that was growing steadily. God told us that ‘He has built’ Iris Chimoio. It’s a children’s center, a soccer pitch and a church. We didn’t have much of a children’s center. River of God was a boys house and a girl’s house that was unfinished, but livable. The kitchen was an outside kitchen that social welfare didn’t approve of, as well as the bathrooms. The soccer pitch was tiny. It was a tough time for our little International family and our bigger International family to grow. It felt more like stretching than growing, it was probably both.

When God spoke to us in the past tense, that he has built it, in reference to everything we dreamt of for our family and ministry in Chimoio, we started to see things through his lens. He has done it, it is finished. Time is not the issue, God is working on our hearts. He is building a kingdom building in our hearts. He lives in us. Everything else is a bonus….all the blessings here tell of His goodness, not of our splendid prayers or ability to organize, work and lead.

It was a shift in our thinking. Our baby’s name was and is a strong reminder that we are not building the buildings at the center, we are not building the team or growing the family – God is and he loves doing it with us. We are a part of this, but it is not about what we can do. It is about knowing what God has done in the spirit, being at peace on the path he set under our feet, and going through the door that he has opened in front of us.

Its all about him. He has built. Not only is it all about him, God challenged us to not only let go of our thinking and planning about physical building and team building, but to trust him, that he will send provision and people to build, he will send people to the team, and he will grow this family.

Since that day that we got our son’s name, we have seen many miracles of grown, building, and provision that we did nothing to attain. Literally nothing. We just love our children, and he keeps doing things for them to remind us that we love them because he loved them first. He provide, he loves and he is faithful.

God has built.

Today my husband is in Africa working on many administrative tasks, and closing out a rental house because God said it’s time. Our things are going in many different directions. Some friends and pastors have new to them furniture or housewares, while somethings that can handle storage in a shipping container are being neatly packed into the container at the center. They will be used in the missionary housing God is telling us about. Something we have seen, but never known the time to start, or who would do it. It seems that what God is doing is so unimaginable even to ministry people that we don’t know how to explain it. People are coming, helping, serving, loving us, and building without any burden on us. Its like a dream. There are building materials being brought to the center! There are workers that we are not paying to build, someone else is. Who does that?

Jesus! He loves to lavishly love us. Seriously, what person can love us that well. It was six years ago when God not only said that he has built the center up, and that he (my husband) is not going to have to build the buildings. When God told us that he has built – there was a tag line, “so you don’t have too.” I felt like he was showing me people coming and building. Ok for some of you who have staff and workers, we couldn’t afford to hire a team of builders, and we were literally out of fire to manage big building projects again.

As I prayed more about the buildings that God has built at Iris Chimoio he spoke into my heart and spirit, saying that we didn’t have to do it. The fire didn’t run out because we spent it, but because we don’t need to do it this time. I heard him say, “I’ve set these projects in other people’s hearts to come and build your dreams.” Who does that? Who comes to serve God and bless us? We’ve seen people who wanted to come and build something else, but that wasn’t the promise. We just had to wait, and right now the team is steadily building at the children’s center. They are doing it. Coordinating with our vision, and doing all the work. Who does that?

God has sent the builders. I didn’t know what that would look like. Its Amazing! Its not in my University non-profit Administration books. Its fresh and new to me. I’ve never heard of this before. I’m sure there are other testimonies like this, and MORE to come!! As people give wholeheartedly and step out in loving service to the body of Christ.

I’m thrilled to thank the people who are coming to River of God Children’s Center and pouring out love in practical and lavish ways!!!!

In Papa God’s perfect time, we are seeing this happen.

We have a beautiful family, and so many blessings. We can’t describe them all, but we can glorify a loving God who delights in giving his children good gifts.

Dream with God, follow him, and obey. He is doing a good work. Its not about what other people can measure, it is about how intimately close we are to our loving savior, and how deeply our hearts beat to the rhythm of his.

It’s good to be loved, it’s great to love others. Something about that tells the story better than anything we could ever try to say. We couldn’t plan this, we can’t make any of this happen.

We can let it unfold as we say yes to Jesus…Its our joy to be loved by him.

Lots of love,

Missionary Momma Mia

Back in Mozambique

Well, I’m journaling in spite of the fact that we have no internet.

So this isn’t really going to be posted on June 3^rd. That’s ok. Part of the habit of posting blogs it actually to form a better habit of writing daily.

My hubby and I have been on three different airplanes, and one 4 hour bumpy bumpy road trip to get to our final destination of Chimoio. We arrived to our African home around 6 in the evening just after the sun was setting. It’s winter here. That means short days and less sunlight in the evenings. So we left the airport as soon as we could. We were a little held up in the immigration area, but we didn’t get stopped at all in the customs. That is a spot that can cause a real headache. So at least we only had one headache since the officer found a problem with our paper work. His solution wasn’t to pricy, but oh how we wish we had meticals to pay the fee. The price for a visa in dollars is way more expensive than meticals.

Anyway, that is taken care of. I tend to think it is a blessing for them as long as they are doing their job and following their convictions of what is ‘right’ according to their every changing rules and ‘laws’. So rather than be grumbly that we had to pay more for this or that. I am believing that Jesus knows all of our expenses, expected and the unexpected. He knows how to provide for all our needs and the needs of all his children. So if they were ‘wrong, or corrupt, or whatever’ in charging us this fee then I rather not only begrudgingly forgive them for something that is a frustration to us. But actually bless them for working diligently according to their convictions.

So I take a deep breath and bless them. God knows how to love his kids. I’m not blindly or knowingly giving into some corruption – I have an official receipt for this visa fee. So, he’s explaining that this is what he is supposed to do, and he is really helping us to be in the country legally….We ask a few more respectful questions because we had been informed differently, but the answer is emphasized that this is what has to be done. There is an option to pay for a 30 day visitor visa, that has been denied for lots of travelers, or possibly some fee for having an expired DIRE. I don’t know all the rules (and I probably won’t post the details on-line cause I don’t know if that is a good idea) but anyway

We have the entry border sorted. Our dear friend drove us to our home where his wife, our Mozambican pastor and his wife, and one of our beloved Mozambican sons had organized a lovely Mozambican dinner for us all to enjoy together. Am I emphasizing Mozambican enough? So yes, I’m HAPPY to be back in Mozambique! Over all, Yesterday was lovely no unexpected expense at the border going to ruin my day!

After greeting our friends and Mozambican son Ngenie, we sat down together and ate dinner. I had looked around our living room and notice very few changes in the way that we had left the furniture and dishes on our ‘china hutch’ shelf. It’s not really a china hutch. It’s a book shelf that we use for the prettier porcelain plate and things. We are so please to walk into a nice tidy home after such a long long long long one more lonnnnggggg journey. Did I mention three planes? Ok, I did….did I say how many hours? Cause there is a reason I haven’t written or posted anything in this blog….um like two eight hour flights and some 12 or 13 hours of layovers. Maybe more, I try to forget so it doesn’t ANNOY me….wouldn’t want to stay frustrated over that fact that we have all kinds of technology and can send people to the moon, but we still have to fly for a billion hours. Now I’m exaggerating…. Texans tend to tell tall tales. So please pardon me. And understand that I get kinda pooped from long travel, it is however, entirely worth it to see my big beautiful family!!!!!

So anywho, we all sat down for dinner and caught up on as much of over a year and a half of history as possible in about 3 hours of fun lively conversation. Our lovely South African friends said goodbyes and see you in the morning.

Then our dear Mozambican friends who have been caring for our home since October offered to heat up a kettle of water for our evening bucket baths since the water pump on the well has petered out for possibly the 6^th time. The motor does wear out or the electrical wires short. Stuff happens. I totally expected to come home to our Mozambican reality and give up a few western comforts. I did laugh to myself when I had washed my hands earlier after just walking through the door and heading to the restroom because I notice right away that there was a basin and bucket with water – indicating that the pump for running water was not functioning. I had really enjoyed some lovely long baths and showers during my little mini-vacation in California. I was especially savoring the steaming hot running water since I anticipated water shortages or the possibility of no running water. This is normal life in Africa. It takes so much time and energy to run a house here. These little details like a burnt pump or electrical shortage are a bit tricky here. Sometimes there aren’t resources to fix the pump, and sometimes there are. But the most important things are important and water can wait. I guess that is another thing on our list to find out about fixing. –bunny trail.

So anyway, I was going to write a bit about today, but I’m pooped and better head for bed. It’s been a very full day from about 8 in the morning to 9:30 at night. We saw friends who popped in to say hi, and organized some details for a party tomorrow. We met some lovely volunteers who became a part of the Iris Chimoio family of volunteers while we were away in the states. They just fell in love with the children and are SUCH a blessing!!!

God is good to us. So we had a lovely dinner out with one of our new friends, and we are so excited to see as many friends and as much family as possible while we are here for a short time.

Oh, and we are trying to find a yummy poisen for the rats who are building a lovely home in the roof of our rental house. I keep having visions of the rats from the CG film ‘ratatouille’ in my head. I’m a bit terrified that the whole rat colony will have more rat babies and drop through the old worn out ceiling under our old aging roof…..oh sweet Jesus, help us to not have rats dropping in on us via windows, cracks under doors or any other entry they find available…..

Housekeeping tip for living in Africa: try not to rent a house near a garbage dump that only gets emptied once a week if we are lucky!!!!!

Anyway, life if full of surprises here and we have a good laugh when the rats and cockroaches show up….they are notorious for finding the craziest hiding places…..some of our small kitchen appliances haven’t been used for months or maybe even a year, so guess who made little nests inside our coffee grinder? Yeah so that was a fun part of my day today…..finding where the little buggers where hiding…..because I was using my coffee grinder.

I totally drank that coffee too because the bug nest was in the underside of the grinder. We washed the bowl with the blades and wiped the electrical part down. As the little electric motor started whizzing and the beans grinding, I noticed one of those tiny tiny little cockroaches. I am used to them. Just kill them and wash the mess. There was a lot more than just one bug to kill however, and I got a little grossed out for about a second. I know why they are there, and that bugs are bugs….so I can logic my way out of being too annoyed. This is after all their happy climate – subtropical climate does mean that housekeeping is a constant battle again the buggies like cockroaches, ants, termites, mosquitoes, and flies. It’s all part of life here.

So welcome to my candid rendition of African homecoming…..

Hope you are not to jaded by my ramblings. I really do love living here, it is just more obvious some of the things that I had begun to take for granted as I spent so much time away from our home here. I will constantly be thankful for our parents offering three lovely bedrooms, an office and bathroom for us to stay in in Colorado. During our time there we have never killed a cockroach, chased a rat out of our room or taken bucket showers.  

All pretty normal things in our African life….and it isn’t torcher. It’s the reality of living in an undeveloped country in an old un-renovated rental house in an old neighborhood on a dirt road with so many contributing factors to a bug problems, rodents and electrical and water issues.

I’m comfortable here, happy here, and also happy in America. I will always be thankful to get clean at the end of the day. I will always celebrate running water a little bit more, or a lot more, than a bucket bath. But I know that it is a blessing to use a full bucket of warm water to get clean, when there has been a drought in this part of Moz. I know that Papa God has blessed our well and it has not dried up when others have. That’s why I’s still super thrilled that we have water! I do have a tendency to find the silver lining in the various circumstance that we face.

Tonight we were remembering that last year we were guests of a very affluent man in a powerful position in his government. We were very happy as guests in his penthouse apartment, and we are very happy to be guests in a home without running water, or even in a home with a dirt floor and grass roof.

Its good to just love on people and focus on what they live without, but that we can learn from them because they are genuinely happy with their lives. We see how JOYFULL they become when they know Jesus! They don’t want bigger houses, and more appliances. They want peace, love and JOY! They need to be able to face any situation with JOY, and that’s better than finding a silver lining in a grey cloud.

My husband and I love to give our Mozambican friends and family presents. They are so thrilled with a sweater, or lip-gloss.  They put on the clothes and wear them right away. They are really grateful, not asking for a receipt so that they can return the gift if it doesn’t fit.

I learn deeper heartfelt gratitude from my beautiful Mozambican friends because they don’t expect more stuff. They don’t worry too much about what they don’t have. They take care of what they do have, and are truly thankful when we give them presents. So I don’t worry to much about bugs and rodents that live here, I focus on hanging out with our friends. Drinking coffee with our guests, and eating meals to build friendships.

So the next time you see a mouse don’t squeesh it….Just kidding. Kill that thing if it is inside your kitchen and not a pet. But its really not a “woe is me’ problem. Its just a problem. The more ‘problems’ you can face with a calm cool attitude, the more and greater problems you can face with a calm cool attitude. You might even become a missionary and leave your comfort zone where lots of things that are considered big problems (like a non-flushing toilet because its clogged or the mechanism is broke) that are among ‘problems’ you might face everyday and learn to be an overcomer who is less focused on convenience (I do love convenience and comfort) and more focused on loving people and understanding their reality….Then it hurts less when I get a bug bite. I’m facing the challenges my friends face. If they can do it with a smile, then they can teach me how to do that too!

So here’s to overcoming the little and big frustrations, scares, and unwanted buggers in our lives as we are learning to love more people, more deeply.

Lots of love,

Missionary momma mia

When darkness falls

There are leaders who stumble when darkness falls over their lives, and so many people talk about their 'abuse of authority'. We have probably all experienced some degree of injustice, unfairness, or even abuse from some figure of authority.

We cannot change the figure of authority, or their behavior. We can change our response to their behavior, and maybe just maybe we can influence them to change. When darkness falls, we fail to look with eyes of brilliance. When darkness falls, we fail to see where roadblocks lay in front of us. When darkness falls, we stumble in the shadow and hope we find our way back to the light.

I didn’t want to write much tonight. I was thinking about going to bed and writing tomorrow. I have honored my Sabbath rest plan by taking either Saturday evening or Sunday evening off from blogging, or even journaling. It has been a blessing for me to know that I’m not trying to produce something or force my own hand. I’m just going with the flow of the Holy Spirit, and writing about what comes to mind and what surfaces from my memory.

Tonight, I thought that if I did write, it would be about the majestic feeling of an American University Graduation Ceremony and my reflections on the many Bible School Graduation Ceremonies we attended or were a part of in Mozambique. I find myself more invested in the ‘whys’ behind the feelings of grandeur and awe, completion and unity, accomplishment and growth.

See, the 'why' in Mozambique is similar to here, but it looked different. We were so honored to be able to give each graduating Bible student a t-shirt and a certificate. We would celebrate with them in the presence of the Lord with prayer tunnels and big slobbery piles of graduates who were overcome by the weighty presence of God. They responded in tears and laughter falling on the floor or jumping for joy. They would crumple to the straw mats at the front of the traditionally constructed mud church. The floor was special. It had a layer of smooth cement, instead of pounded dirt. That made for a lot less dust when they congregation was dancing. The altar area was made softer for the knees and bodies of people who feel over under God’s presence and anointing with straw mats laid out as natural carpet. Sometimes there would be a huddle of people who feel in a bunch. Men on their faces had another man falling onto the floor so close to him that his head was on his brother’s back. They didn’t care. They didn’t wait for 'catchers' to allow them to fall in an orderly fashion on the floor of the church altar so they wouldn't touch their neighbor. They just receive everything that was available for them from God. They responded with open hearts and unrestricted behavior. They weren’t overly aware of what someone watching might be thinking or concerned if they landed on their classmate. They just wanted more of God. Their certificate wasn’t the objective! Their hearts full of God and his presence IS their objective! They wanted every last drop of anointing, impartation, and tangible LOVE that was thick in that big meeting room before they headed back home to their homes and their families after three months of intensive Bible training.

Their graduation ceremony was so intensely different from my brother’s University graduation ceremony today. Yet, I felt such an awe and majesty that left me thrilled for each and every graduate. I am seriously hopeful that each one of them left their ceremony with a wonderful feeling of accomplishment and self-worth, along with the education they were looking for. It was truly touching. It was altogether different from our ceremonies in Africa. The floor was cement though! And it happened in one BIG room. So very different though in almost every other aspect.

The lights and sound were so professional, the seating was sufficient for all the attendants, not waning electricity and standing room only. The stage was swanky, and they were all dressed in dignified robes. It was full of splendor and honor just like our ceremony in Africa, but it looked very different. We had dignified t-shirts and caps for our grads (baseball caps). We also had honor for our faculty, directors and our God. It looked very different at the end though. I’m sure that the graduating students celebrated their diplomas in a fashion fitting to their environment. 

So what is it that our environment is creating? What kind of atmosphere is our environment inviting? Are we people who have such a strong sense of authority that we command and affect our environment? Or are we affected by our environment? Sometimes a environment is to strong and its best we get out of there, but where we live, work and celebrate community and fellowship is our typical environment. Are we affecting our environment or being affected? or both?

If we are certain we are affecting our environment, how do we really know if our authority is internal coming from a source of unending power connected to our spirits, or an environmentally accepted and adorned position of power that invokes temporal authority? I think we dwell in the shadows until we command the light to increase. If we can go to a dark place and cause light to shine then we can know that we are affecting our environment. If we can stay under a shadow (only as long as Papa God is asking us too) and contend for light until it gets brighter, then we are affecting our environment.

When darkness falls we can run to the other side of the cave, cloud, or storm; or we can hover over a little chicks like a momma chicken who knows the storm will pass, the cloud won’t last, or our eyes will adjust to the dim light of the cave or our other senses will respond to the Holy Spirit as he guides us to safety.

For years I’ve wondered how leaders can forgive the gravest offenses. They give glory to God for what he has done in spite of stupid people doing stupid things! They don't focus on the offense, they give glory to God for his works through them. God is still God. 

Tonight as my husband and I talked for about an hour and half, we realized that if they couldn’t forgive those people turning their back on God they couldn’t forgive us for real or imagined offenses.

We’ve walked through darkness when there were real offenses committed against us, and we really offended other people. Those connections were shattered while we try to pick up the pieces of what was once a healthy life-giving relationship. We stood back and observed different people who offended or hurt us without trying to mend the connection until we were confident in Christ in us, that we weren’t going to mend something that was just going to be shattered again.  The old saying says: Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. We waited on God to help us be truly humble, and really see Jesus on them and them. We forgave them. Forgiveness is constant though until the break is mended. But we watched and waited for enough information to go forward and see God heal a broken relationship. 

Let me tell you, there is no reason to try and mend something when the darkness is still hiding some of the broken pieces. When it’s time to rebuild a bridge or glue the shattered pottery, all the missing pieces will be in the light.

When darkness falls, its for a reason. Not so we can point fingers and blame another leader for ‘falling into sin’ or ‘abusing authority’. I believe it helps us to wait, to go lower and deeper into the dark well. To get closer and closer to the red hot embers. It helps us to become the flame that burns up the darkness. It causes us to change.

If someone really does have a tendency to abuse their power, they need to be told how the victim has overcome what they did and are believing God for divine justice on both sides of glory. If someone really has fallen into sin, they need to be loved to repentance. It’s kindness that says, “Oh, you are wearing skin just like me. You need to feel forgiveness that unlocks you from guilt and convicts you to change!” “Oh, you need to be honored as a sister or brother in Christ even if I can’t respect your temporal position of power.”

When darkness falls we can choose to be the light.

From one momma to somebodies child, please don’t try to mend a relationship that isn’t ready to be mended. Burn with love for the person who offended you. How do you do that? Ask God how he sees them, and why are they in your life. Wait until you are ready, but follow Holy Spirit's prompting even if you feel timid inside yourself. Be confident in who you are in Christ, and their response is first of all, between them and Jesus.

My husband and I asked God why someone is still in our lives tonight, and we were pretty overwhelmed with the revelation that came out of our soul searching. (We know that people are going to be with us for eternity, so its good to bring kingdom thinking into our connections with people now. That doesn't mean there aren't people who cause us to lift our eyebrows at God) It’s been years of asking God to help us love some person more, and what is another detail about that person that is important and life giving for our spirits? We realized that someone that we really do love, even though we’ve been hurt by some of their decisions, has some understanding and depth of forgiveness that we can still learn from. If they didn't forgive those terrible things, how could they forgive us? Yep folks, ever once in a blue moon, I might make a mistake, hurt someone, or sin....I need to be forgiven.

Trying to forgive someone is a step closer to forgiveness, and a step farther away from bitterness.

I pray that you can graduate from a grudge and love someone special again.

Lots of love,

Jennifer

Missionary Momma Mia 

Faced a shadow today

I was really surprised. I waited in a slightly crowded room and chatted small talk with a few other students until one of my professors from more than a decade ago came to speak with me. He was by no means a ‘dark or shadowy person’. I still felt a little bit intimidated though, possibly because it was evident that he is a man in charge. I observed genuine kindness and humility in his character as he responded to the respect, honor, and esteem that people showed him. He wasn’t haughty, proud or overly persuasive. How had my memory managed to put a significant level of blame on him for me not getting my degree over a decade ago? My memory painted him as somewhat of a bully, yet, I didn’t see that at all today.

It’s hard to admit it, but the shadow was more likely my own projection of failure, pride, and stubbornness. Everyone has their hidden faults, and it is impossible to discern the depths of someone’s character in a day. I'm not saying he's perfect, at the same time the second “first impression” of this shadowy figure in my memory was a positive one that opened a flood gate of positive memories.   

It wasn’t a bad shadow anymore, it was just a thing that I hadn’t faced since I walked away from my University over twelve years ago.  I finally spoke with someone who I was certain would be intimidating and probably disappointed in me. I found out that my memories are good at re-writing history. He was kind and considerate, and not the least bit disappointed. That was surprising. My perspective was wrong.

It’s amazing to me how a memory that was unpleasant, or would cause me to doubt my own self-esteem built up strong emotions around the facts and twisted other characters in my history into “unseemly” characters – something was wrong with them, not me.

It was childish behavior. I think of my 20’s as the years that I thought I could conquer the world. I didn’t recognize my own physical and mental limitations. I pressed myself to try and graduate with nineteen credit hours for my final semester. It didn’t work. One thing that did console me was that those who counseled me to register in less classes were right. It took me a while, but I really am thoroughly grateful for advice from people who have more experience than me.

I should have trusted God’s voice when he clearly told me that I shouldn’t register in any classes in 2003/04 school year. He knew how busy that season of my life was going to be, and all the self-doubt that the long route was going to cause. I was so adamant that he had given me the dream of going to get my degree in the first place. How could I be done with only three years of community college and college completed? I argued with God, and he was quiet when I asked him to help me register for the right courses for the semester. Ever semester before I literally could see the class section highlighted as if it jumped off the page of the catalog (back then the class schedules were still big printed books). I relied on Holy Spirit to confirm all the details of my college schedule. It was his idea. I never would have gone from music and art to Administration? There was a night in India in 2000 when I was singing on the balcony, and I could feel a tangible embrace from Jesus. He whispered in my spirit, “Would you go back to get a degree in Administration?”

I knew it was the greatest idea, because I would have never thought of it! I hadn’t thought beyond graduating from high school and getting to the mission field. I was 18 and ready to go live in Mozambique the first time there was an open door. I thought for sure I could go from a discipleship training program to a base in Mozambique. There wasn’t an open door yet. The missionaries that I knew with that specific training program where headed to a different country. God knew all these details before he asked me to get a degree in Administration. I didn’t know them. I just made a promise to go forward with Jesus, even if that meant to go back to the USA to study. That is what I did.

I never imagined that I would be able to start the degree plan in 2002, after transferring from a community college, and finish somewhere like 2016 or 2017. That wasn’t even in my imagination, but anything is possible.

I used nearly all of the non-profit administration course material that I had studied during these ten years that we lived in Mozambique. In fact, the first time I ever heard Heidi speak at a Voice of Apostles Conference in October 2002, she ended one of the morning, or afternoon meetings by asking if there was anyone with administrative skills willing to throw their life away for Jesus in Mozambique. I had waited my entire life since I was eleven years old for that open door. I knew it was the perfect moment for me to be there, and the perfect invitation. I threw my hand straight up in the air like a child in class asking to be picked as the volunteer. She saw me, of course I had sat on the floor near the very front of the room during that entire meeting. She prayed over a big group of on-fire Christians who burned for Jesus and longed to carry his glory to the nations. I had such radical encounters with God during that conference. My heart was so thrilled as she invited me to come to Mozambique.

I did visit Mozambique, met Joao Wenningkamp and the rest is history.

Who would have thought that going to go to college to study administration would have been one of my strongest signs from God this was my open door? She and her husband were the missionary couple I could learn from on the mission field. Me hearing God’s voice and knowing is what gave me the courage to drop everything in Spring 2004 to get married and move to Africa. I never understood why or how I would ever finish my degree with such a big gap away from the school, but in the meantime the school that was a college became a university the year that I reregistered as a return student.

When God spoke to me in India about getting a degree in Administration, I saw a vision of a sign that said ‘University’. I thought that was just my imagination, and not an important detail.

Important details are IMPORTANT. God is in the details. Well he holds all of creation together, but anyway.  The details matter. I’m getting a degree from a University. The shadow seemed dark and billowing, but it was just because I needed to turn the light switch on to shed a little light on the subject.

Light-switch on! Going forward with Jesus at my University. I feel pretty cool about that.

Praying for hope and courage to find that light-switch for anyone facing a shadow. The truth will be glorious, maybe a little bit difficult to face, but totally liberating.

Lots of love,

Missionary Momma Mia

So much power

I do not envy the spiritual leaders who follow the call of God on their lives and obey to the best of their ability to serve the body of Christ as Pastors, teachers, evangelist, missionaries, and counselors. When they submit to God and go to teach what they understand, correct, instruct, comfort and counsel where they can, and have a handful of 'fans' who criticize their every move. "The sermon could have been better; the scripture reading should have been a different text; the joke was inappropriate; I should be a lay-leader already, so why can't they see my anointing? ; They skwelched the spirit, and on and on. Folks, leaders are people too. They do make mistakes. Most of them are not mind readers, or able to discern that criticisms comes as 'tough love'- instead of kindness. 

I can think about real tight situations on the mission field where I've misjudge a co-missionary or even misunderstood a leader in the field. I consider the weight and responsibility that comes over a minister or a famous preacher or teacher, and I am humbled. 

I think, “Whoa, I better pray for them and forgive them instead of judging what they just said or did and holding a grudge.” What if my perspective isn't the big picture? What would happen if Heidi spent all of her time listening to 'well meaning criticism' instead of taking another abandoned vulnerable child off of the streets and into the Iris family? What would happen if Bill Johnson spent his time focused on refuting arguments against revelation instead of teaching, preaching and 'doing' as Holy Spirit leads him? Would anyone's time be better spent listening to negative feedback?  I don't think so. It's far better for us to recognize internal offense and give it to Jesus. Pray for leaders. Trust God to gently correct whomever needs correcting. They're not our children, we can correct and discipline the children he'said put in our care because we see their big picture better than they do. He sees his children and knows the big picture better than we do. Let things go. Lay down offense. Forgive. 

Why?
When I forgive, I'm trusting God to guide someone who I feel has done me wrong by lovingly correcting them. I know that he will lead his children to repentance through loving-kindness. I don't have to try to correct people who aren't my children or students. Why attempt to parent someone who is not my responsibility? What if I am the one who needs to repent and change? This is always a possibility, it's just to hard to see clearly with junk in our eyes.

  

When I want to hold someone accountable for their mistakes or failures, or cruelty towards me, I am choosing to take God’s place in their lives. I don't want to try to do God's job. God is so kind that he doesn’t overstep our free will if we want to try. He's pretty chill and permissive. When we want to judge and condemn, we can. It's stupid to do that, but that is one of the realities of free will. We can make choices, even if they aren't the best choices.

Isn’t that wonderful? We can choose to let go of the responsibility to administer discipline to everyone in our life, and trust God to correct a rebellious or ignorant person through whatever means he knows is necessary and best. 

That seems kinda scary to control freaks who want to help God along in his plan. I mean it isn’t practical to think that the all – knowing intelligent creator is waiting on his creation to give him advice, and help him along. As impractical as it is – lots of us think we know what we would do if we had that kind of power.

No really, creative power, power outside of time, power to convict the hearts of men, power to create, power to love, power to truly be unconditional love – to love creation without manipulating the will of his creation.