When darkness falls

There are leaders who stumble when darkness falls over their lives, and so many people talk about their 'abuse of authority'. We have probably all experienced some degree of injustice, unfairness, or even abuse from some figure of authority.

We cannot change the figure of authority, or their behavior. We can change our response to their behavior, and maybe just maybe we can influence them to change. When darkness falls, we fail to look with eyes of brilliance. When darkness falls, we fail to see where roadblocks lay in front of us. When darkness falls, we stumble in the shadow and hope we find our way back to the light.

I didn’t want to write much tonight. I was thinking about going to bed and writing tomorrow. I have honored my Sabbath rest plan by taking either Saturday evening or Sunday evening off from blogging, or even journaling. It has been a blessing for me to know that I’m not trying to produce something or force my own hand. I’m just going with the flow of the Holy Spirit, and writing about what comes to mind and what surfaces from my memory.

Tonight, I thought that if I did write, it would be about the majestic feeling of an American University Graduation Ceremony and my reflections on the many Bible School Graduation Ceremonies we attended or were a part of in Mozambique. I find myself more invested in the ‘whys’ behind the feelings of grandeur and awe, completion and unity, accomplishment and growth.

See, the 'why' in Mozambique is similar to here, but it looked different. We were so honored to be able to give each graduating Bible student a t-shirt and a certificate. We would celebrate with them in the presence of the Lord with prayer tunnels and big slobbery piles of graduates who were overcome by the weighty presence of God. They responded in tears and laughter falling on the floor or jumping for joy. They would crumple to the straw mats at the front of the traditionally constructed mud church. The floor was special. It had a layer of smooth cement, instead of pounded dirt. That made for a lot less dust when they congregation was dancing. The altar area was made softer for the knees and bodies of people who feel over under God’s presence and anointing with straw mats laid out as natural carpet. Sometimes there would be a huddle of people who feel in a bunch. Men on their faces had another man falling onto the floor so close to him that his head was on his brother’s back. They didn’t care. They didn’t wait for 'catchers' to allow them to fall in an orderly fashion on the floor of the church altar so they wouldn't touch their neighbor. They just receive everything that was available for them from God. They responded with open hearts and unrestricted behavior. They weren’t overly aware of what someone watching might be thinking or concerned if they landed on their classmate. They just wanted more of God. Their certificate wasn’t the objective! Their hearts full of God and his presence IS their objective! They wanted every last drop of anointing, impartation, and tangible LOVE that was thick in that big meeting room before they headed back home to their homes and their families after three months of intensive Bible training.

Their graduation ceremony was so intensely different from my brother’s University graduation ceremony today. Yet, I felt such an awe and majesty that left me thrilled for each and every graduate. I am seriously hopeful that each one of them left their ceremony with a wonderful feeling of accomplishment and self-worth, along with the education they were looking for. It was truly touching. It was altogether different from our ceremonies in Africa. The floor was cement though! And it happened in one BIG room. So very different though in almost every other aspect.

The lights and sound were so professional, the seating was sufficient for all the attendants, not waning electricity and standing room only. The stage was swanky, and they were all dressed in dignified robes. It was full of splendor and honor just like our ceremony in Africa, but it looked very different. We had dignified t-shirts and caps for our grads (baseball caps). We also had honor for our faculty, directors and our God. It looked very different at the end though. I’m sure that the graduating students celebrated their diplomas in a fashion fitting to their environment. 

So what is it that our environment is creating? What kind of atmosphere is our environment inviting? Are we people who have such a strong sense of authority that we command and affect our environment? Or are we affected by our environment? Sometimes a environment is to strong and its best we get out of there, but where we live, work and celebrate community and fellowship is our typical environment. Are we affecting our environment or being affected? or both?

If we are certain we are affecting our environment, how do we really know if our authority is internal coming from a source of unending power connected to our spirits, or an environmentally accepted and adorned position of power that invokes temporal authority? I think we dwell in the shadows until we command the light to increase. If we can go to a dark place and cause light to shine then we can know that we are affecting our environment. If we can stay under a shadow (only as long as Papa God is asking us too) and contend for light until it gets brighter, then we are affecting our environment.

When darkness falls we can run to the other side of the cave, cloud, or storm; or we can hover over a little chicks like a momma chicken who knows the storm will pass, the cloud won’t last, or our eyes will adjust to the dim light of the cave or our other senses will respond to the Holy Spirit as he guides us to safety.

For years I’ve wondered how leaders can forgive the gravest offenses. They give glory to God for what he has done in spite of stupid people doing stupid things! They don't focus on the offense, they give glory to God for his works through them. God is still God. 

Tonight as my husband and I talked for about an hour and half, we realized that if they couldn’t forgive those people turning their back on God they couldn’t forgive us for real or imagined offenses.

We’ve walked through darkness when there were real offenses committed against us, and we really offended other people. Those connections were shattered while we try to pick up the pieces of what was once a healthy life-giving relationship. We stood back and observed different people who offended or hurt us without trying to mend the connection until we were confident in Christ in us, that we weren’t going to mend something that was just going to be shattered again.  The old saying says: Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. We waited on God to help us be truly humble, and really see Jesus on them and them. We forgave them. Forgiveness is constant though until the break is mended. But we watched and waited for enough information to go forward and see God heal a broken relationship. 

Let me tell you, there is no reason to try and mend something when the darkness is still hiding some of the broken pieces. When it’s time to rebuild a bridge or glue the shattered pottery, all the missing pieces will be in the light.

When darkness falls, its for a reason. Not so we can point fingers and blame another leader for ‘falling into sin’ or ‘abusing authority’. I believe it helps us to wait, to go lower and deeper into the dark well. To get closer and closer to the red hot embers. It helps us to become the flame that burns up the darkness. It causes us to change.

If someone really does have a tendency to abuse their power, they need to be told how the victim has overcome what they did and are believing God for divine justice on both sides of glory. If someone really has fallen into sin, they need to be loved to repentance. It’s kindness that says, “Oh, you are wearing skin just like me. You need to feel forgiveness that unlocks you from guilt and convicts you to change!” “Oh, you need to be honored as a sister or brother in Christ even if I can’t respect your temporal position of power.”

When darkness falls we can choose to be the light.

From one momma to somebodies child, please don’t try to mend a relationship that isn’t ready to be mended. Burn with love for the person who offended you. How do you do that? Ask God how he sees them, and why are they in your life. Wait until you are ready, but follow Holy Spirit's prompting even if you feel timid inside yourself. Be confident in who you are in Christ, and their response is first of all, between them and Jesus.

My husband and I asked God why someone is still in our lives tonight, and we were pretty overwhelmed with the revelation that came out of our soul searching. (We know that people are going to be with us for eternity, so its good to bring kingdom thinking into our connections with people now. That doesn't mean there aren't people who cause us to lift our eyebrows at God) It’s been years of asking God to help us love some person more, and what is another detail about that person that is important and life giving for our spirits? We realized that someone that we really do love, even though we’ve been hurt by some of their decisions, has some understanding and depth of forgiveness that we can still learn from. If they didn't forgive those terrible things, how could they forgive us? Yep folks, ever once in a blue moon, I might make a mistake, hurt someone, or sin....I need to be forgiven.

Trying to forgive someone is a step closer to forgiveness, and a step farther away from bitterness.

I pray that you can graduate from a grudge and love someone special again.

Lots of love,

Jennifer

Missionary Momma Mia 

Where indifference is a blessing, caring is a curse

I  tried to post last night around 1:30. The website was down. For a brief moment after I edited and re-finished the post for lastnight, the website page came up, but it did not work long enough to post this. I hope that anyone who feels badgered from an account of strong emotions and deeply sorrowful events will feel free to read something else. It's not my intention to break your heart. I'm trying to unburry the broken pieces of my heart and see if they can be pieced back together again...

Were indifference is a blessing, caring is a curse

I am thinking about my first weeks in central Mozambique.

As I wrote early Sunday morning, I was remembering the emotions and the frustration of having lost a neighborhood child that I had visited with another missionary in the earliest weeks of arriving in central Mozambique. We had helped his blind grandmother treat her four year old and six year old grandsons for scabies and other parasites just a few weeks before the littler one died of malaria. It was a devastating blow. We had bathed him, brought food, and treated his soars.

I remember the first time we saw him. He looked like a toddler, not a small child of four years. Mama C and I had walked through the village lanes near our community home. She had arrived to central Mozambique before my husband and I did. Mama C had learned how to treat scabies, foot worms called ‘mataquina’ , intestinal parasites and other easily treatable problems that poverty stricken families often faced.

The local hospital was a near enough to treat the illnesses of the children and families living nearby, but they charged the smallest amount of money for the hospital visit, and the medicine. These widows and aged grandmothers didn’t have coins to pay for medicine, or food. They ate food from their fields and sometimes their animals – if they had any. They came to care for their grandchildren for different reasons. Some of their grandchildren had a mother who couldn’t or wouldn’t care for them. Some of them had lost both their parents. The mission base was just starting over again. There were 13 boys living in a reed room on base. We were thrilled to take care of them, and other children near by. It was our desire to help families stay together, even if the circumstances were dire, we needed to assist in whatever way we could without separating the vulnerable children from their relatives.

The mission was supposed to comfort me. It didnt. I don’t actually know if I have forgiven myself for that little one dying so young. We honored the grandmother’s wishes and helped her care for the children in her one room mud hut. We visited two and three times each week for a while until their swollen bellies had shrunk to a healthy normal size. Both of the brothers were so cute. They helped their grandmother beg in the nearby market. It was grandmother’s only form of survival after having gone almost totally blind. She would receive a little maize flour or rice and green leafs or beans to make for one meal for the three of them. We brought some food and medical supplies on our visits. Then one weekend we found the two boys suffering with high fever. They had been bit by mosquitoes carrying malaria. A nurse visited them with us and explained how often they had to take the malaria tablets. I never thought that we should go check on the children each time they needed to take their malaria tablets. The little one might not have taken his medicine properly, I had no way of knowing if he did take the medicine with the food and juice that we left for him or not. I imagined myself to blame that the little one died of fever from the malaria.

It broke my heart to hold his big brother and comfort him and his grandmother. The nurse told us that the little one’s malaria had become cerebral even though he was taking the malaria tablets because his malaria was a far more complicated case than his older brother’s. The world became an entirely different place after I heard the news of the little boys passing.

There was little solace for me. I imagined him missing medicine or vomiting up treatment because his fever was to high causing dehydration and upset stomach. Before that, I had thought that malaria was something that could be conquered in every case. The reality of my situation hit me as an expectant mother, a wife, and a missionary with children and employees that I felt almost entirely responsible for their wellbeing. My husband and I along with a hand full of other missionaries were full of vision for the village we lived in, we had a vision for the mission base and the surrounding churches. We felt God's presence there and he gave us dreams. In spite of the paon, we went forward. We did have victories. We built a nice house for the children. But I never forget the first child I lost. My heart stays broken for his little life expiring so early, I only shared this pain with a select few. It didn't heal all the way. I wanted to understand how the villagers around me could stop grieving after 7 days. I wanted to pretend like the happy stories consumed me, like the boys first ever trip to the beach was more present in my thoughts than how many coffins we bought during my first month of living in Africa. Talk about culture shock!

But Jesus knew how much I longed to feel less. 

Indifference would seem like a blessing in a place where innocent children die of treatable diseases. In the weeks that followed my heart broke into a million pieces, the care and concern I felt for the people around me felt like a terrible curse.

Witnessing firsthand the injustice of suffering children and elderly widows ignited a fire of fury to keep going forward with the food distribution programs for orphans, vulnerable children and widows. But that fire did inevitably burn up. Fury and anger are not endless. There is only one fire that is endless. Love.

Remember to love. Remember to let Jesus love you. I had to learn how to say “no” to some requests for more food, or help. I had to learn to shut myself away with Papa God and let him love me.

There were so many times when I had nothing to give, if I didn’t press into Papa God’s heart and love him for his faithfulness I wouldn’t have even had a prayer to offer to the mother or child who asked for something from me. There were so many times that I wrestled with God for my sanity, for my family, for our children and staff. We pressed into God to tell him our thoughts, concerns and desires. We waited for him to show us his plan. Holy Spirit reminded us of his promises for that mission base, and even for that village. Papa God showed us his faithfulness by meeting our needs, and the needs of those around us. He also showed us that his success wasn’t dependent on our abilities and asked us to give everything that we were holding onto back to him.

It was one of the hardest things to do, because we cared so deeply. We wish we could have felt indifferently towards the village, the churches and children because saying goodbye was even harder than comforting friends after the loss of a family member.

We wanted our hearts to grow numb, and our emotions to be like stone. God showed us over and over again that no matter what we tried to do, we couldn’t stop loving them. We had to learn to feel deeply and say goodbye. We had to remember to love when it felt like such a heavy burden. It wasn’t about an emotion of passion or desire. Remembering to love was about a commitment to care, and to challenge the cultural norm of indifference.  

Remember to Love. Give lots of love, especially to those who don’t or can’t love you back. Then you will give all of yourself, and either give up, or go back to the source of all Love to feel his heart beating inside you and be filled up with his heart of love.

It’s ok to want to give up, it’s ok to feel intensely. Even Jesus asked his Dad if there was another way. He drank a cup of suffering for the Joy set before him. Sometimes are full of more suffering than others. We can remember to love. Remember we are his Joy, and he is ours.

I really am writing to you with lots of love,  

Missionary Momma Mia   

P.S. I have to say that blogger wasn’t working for me to post a few minutes ago. I just wanted to finish quickly because sometimes my heart breaks to remember the pain. I also don’t want to cause any one to suffer needlessly. I hope that if you are choosing to read my blogs, you know enough to love yourself and close it if it is too much.

Anyway, I prayed about my blog, and decided to finish it properly and then when I finished writing the second time, blogger website was working again for a few moments. Maybe it’s an interesting coincidence. Maybe I should pay more attention to details. I had more time to perfect and conclude tonight’s ramblings because the server was down. It was more important for me to fully write about what was stirring my heart, than to try to get a blog in before the day was over. So I digress….I had asked Jesus a simple question,  "If I really should post this journal entry as a blog, a nice confirmation that it's your idea would be a working website. "

It worked for a moment. Its not working now, and I should sleep. I’ve faced all kinds of computer and internet problems before. So, Jesus  I trust you, and bless the website to work when you want it to, so I can post this when you know it is best.

I love you. And I trust you with my heart, and my scribbles. If you want other people to be able to see what I’m thinking about I will share it , and it’s up to you to help the web savvy people to fix their web site.

 I love you! Goodnight.

Joy of Repentance

I know, you probably think I’m joking. Right?

How can there be any joy in repentance?

Let me tell you what I’m thinking and you can decide if you agree or not. You might actually go with me on this one, or even have an ‘ah hah’ moment. It’s possible because this is not as crazy as it sounds the first time you hear/read it. I have said this outload to people before. I usually get the squinty eyes and tilted head to one side, sometimes even a silent mouthed “whaaaat?” But it isn’t that ridiculous really, and it isn’t that difficult when you think about the similarities of crying and laughter. Crying is basically the same as laughter.

I’m not a scientist or doctor, but there are lots of different articles that people can look up about these things. This is not some professionally crafted article, so I’m not going to look up loads of articles and quote them. I don’t even know how to do the proper references in a blog. I’ll figure it out in the future when I need to quote someone more precisely. At this point I would rather indicate that there are people who study these things and write about it. I just remember enough from what those smart people said to look at my kids and say, “Are those happy tears or sad tears? Is that a happy laugh or a nervous laugh, love?”

Ok, so now you might be following me. A laugh doesn’t equal JOY, and a tear doesn’t equal Sorrow. Can be both and a lot more.

What other people may think of as ‘only true’ if it is contrite, I think of as an opportunity for complete transformation! It hit me one day when someone corrected me. She can do that. In fact I pay her to, she is a University professor. I was thrilled and overjoyed to be corrected. I had literally NO idea of my previous mistake- I knew I was making some mistakes, some colossal failures, but no idea why. Her experience and authority in the subject gave her much better discernment than me, and she was able to point out some of my problem areas and definite areas of weakness.

The spirit of truth came in such gentleness and clarity that I was literally OVERJOYED! How could I not be? The thing that had evaded me for YEARS was finally exposed. It was my own doing. My failure was pretty consistent because I had a blind spot. What a thrill to learn! What a thrill to be corrected and to see immediate results! That was a great time of repentance for me. I took the lesson and applied it to my life, my family, and my ministry. Relationships were mended, and I got to see something dead be totally renewed!

I laughed and I cried as one person let me open my heart to them. I never imagined that they cared. I was wrong. I had preconceived ideas about some people in my life that were my jilted perspective.

What happens when we lay down our pain, trust in Jesus ability to perfect us, and love people that he’s brought into our lives?

Our world changes.

Maybe only one person at a time—so! That’s one whole entire person! One person at a time, is actually the gist of the Iris Global motto: ‘Stop for the One’ It might not seem like a revival to someone interested in numbers, but it will be a revival in that one person’s spirit. Love someone you have judged. Forgive someone you have held accountable for their offense, and embrace someone you couldn’t see before you repented. Your life will change. Well that was a lot of advice. You can throw it out if you want. I’m also writing this for me. So I won’t mind one bit what you do with my words. I’m not going to forget. I’m not going to go back to hours of crying for God to show me what is wrong in my heart, I’m going to trust him to show me in the most loving way possible that will change me forever. I might be contrite, but when I truly get the point. I’m gonna celebrate!

I’ve heard people say, many times, that repentance is only heartfelt when there are tears. As a parent we do often see that our tender-hearted children do cry when they are corrected, and when they realize that their actions of violence, outbursts of hatred, or unfettered selfishness doesn’t only hurt the person who was on the receiving end of their tantrums, but that any time we hurt another person, we also hurt ourselves….It’s funny though how my boys look at their brother, friend or cousin and say ‘sorry’ then smile and give each other a big bear hug. Can you imagine doing that as an adult?

I can.  I did, and I started laughing just like my little boys. I can love better, more deeply and more freely knowing that if I need to repent it isn’t a terrible thing, but an amazing opportunity. I can see something I’ve never seen before. Can you imagine what we are missing by being stubborn?

I pray that I’m not missing the important things. I pray that you get to see something new after you read this. That is the beginning of change. And Repentance is a total transformation life change.

Lots of love to my friends who take the time to read these silly ramblings, I'm sorry to those annoyed. It's just kinda journaling too. Not flawless. I know, and well..rambling

love,

Missionary Momma Mia

PS. I want to put a plug for Azusa Now. I’m wondering why my schedule couldn’t be arranged in anyway for me to attend, but I’m not too to sad. Some of my greatest friends will be there, and I know they are going to share amazing testimonies!

I comfort myself with the fact that Azusa now will be live streaming on-line at http://www.thecall.com/azusa?mc_cid=750b1e74c8&mc_eid=43305fa082 and on God-tv.

Not only will the even be in a packed arena, it will be in a packed outdoor arena. I pray for a gentle breeze and soft scattered cloud coverage. For those of you who haven’t heard, this is going to be a blessed event.

I heard of a lady named Maria Woodworth-Etter when I was 15 years old. I listened to my mom read her book of testimonies aloud. It is full of firsthand accounts of healings and revival that swept our country at the turn of the 20^th century. ‘A Diary of Signs and Wonders’ was published in 1916. One hundred years later there is a massive event happening in Los Angeles, California – Azusa Now starts tomorrow morning at 7 in the Los Angeles Coliseum. For anyone in the LA area, this will be a great gathering of many love-minded followers of Jesus Christ. This is the perfect day to put down denominational, theological, and apologetics arguments and gather together for the sake of harmoniously expanding God’s kingdom hear on earth. It’s a perfect time to bubble up with JOY in God’s Holy Spirit and let God pour out his heart in and through his church – Jesus Bride. Let the walls fall down, let people humbly and joyfully look to heaven with repentant hearts. It’s time to fix our eyes on Jesus and love our neighbor.

Azusa Now is an event inspired not only by the historic significance of a revival that began in 1906, but also recognizing proclamations that were spoken by Maria Woodworth-Etter in  1913. She prophesied that there would be another great outpouring of the Holy Spirit in one hundred years.  I’m incredibly interested in being exactly where God wants me to be to see the outpouring of Holy Spirit simultaneously happening around the globe tomorrow and the days that follow. I do not believe that the movement of God’s Holy Sprit being poured out will be an isolated event in one location. I believe that an incredible moment is happening in the history of the church, and we get to be a part of it.

Azusa Now is already happening. Sign up, tune in, and Pray. (sorry I'm bossy. I have three small boys, have helped raise over 33 of our Mozambican children, and I'm an older sister) but it is a good idea to do these things....

A couple of good bits From the Azusa Now web site:

AZUSA THEN

What made the 1906 Azusa Street Revival so special? Three key factors at Azusa mirrored the reality of the formation of the church in Acts 2. Firstly, there was a multi-ethnic gathering of unity in Christ (Acts 2:1-11). Secondly, the miraculous, attesting ministry of the Holy Spirit was enjoyed in a unique way (Acts 2:2-4).  Finally, there was a clear presentation of the Gospel leading many to salvation (Acts 2:37-41).

AZUSA NOW

“We need a true jubilee of love and mercy to sweep our land. A dark question looms over our children's future: riots or revival? The only answer is to be found in Christ. Prayer, love and unity remain the Acts 2 template for breakthrough. On April 9, 2016, join a great multi-ethnic, multi-denominational, multi-generational assembly as we strike a match for awakening in our day. It's not just Azusa then. It's Azusa Now.”