There are so many what ifs, ands, ors and buts that lurk in
our shadowy futures and dimly lit pasts. We wonder what would have happened if only, or what we might face if we go in that direction.
There were so many dreams that we thought would follow some
reasonable timeline. Or at least glance at our time table and consider our
input. Right?
Wrong….
We are not merely managing some project, or overseeing an
event. We have some kind of title of importance that basically means ‘the
missionaries who want to face more haranguing’. There was a time when I was
younger and thought a title would make things so much easier when we met with
other important people or needed to sign important papers. Don’t get me wrong.
Titles have their proper place in society, businesses and organizations. There
are important reasons for titles of authority and power. I wasn’t really sure
exactly what I wanted, but I knew
that I wanted things to run more smoothly in our lives, our staffs’ lives, and
the children to whom we were responsible guardians. So much paper work, and
every single time explaining that I was an administrative director, or interim
leader….I never thought that the conversations about who I was were actually
building a relationship with people. I thought that I had work to just get done.
That was a character building phase in my life. Out of my
experience rose up a character named…. Just kidding. I didn’t create another
split personality to deal with the pressure. But I did learn to take less responsibility
on my plate, even if it meant that everything we had built might crumble. We
didn’t really have a typical way to build up a team and restructure
organization where we were, and with the title that we held we didn’t have
scary authority to brandish to irritating, irresponsible, or just naive people.
There was no way to teach people the protocol and procedures that we had
established and followed to build up that place. We had no connection with the
western people who came to “help”. They just wanted to do things their way. They might have thought that
was what we did, so in some small way maybe we should be flattered….I don’t
know.
My husband and I were going to have to learn a very
different style of leadership if we were going to ever do anything without big
powerful titles. We would have to learn how to build connections and
relationships that can withstand our absence or control.
First we had to walk away and let something nearly die. We
were asked if we should just close the ministry base or not. We knew that place
would probably struggle, but we believed that whatever God had in mind for that
place would happen someday, and it wasn’t
dependent on us being there. Now it’s thriving and full of life! We had to
let it nearly die – a big ‘What if’, What
if this was all some big test of character and it was mostly a waste of time?
No we had to let go, not because we didn’t value the blood, sweat and tears
that we poured out over that place, because we had valued our sacrifice more
than Jesus’ sacrifice. We had to let go even if it meant that our sacrifice
might have been in vain, and the place could become a ghost town.
Not only could we walk away, but we could possibly forget
our sorrows. We had a gift from some family members that was supposed to help
us purchase a little house. (Our interpretation was “walk away from being
missionaries and just start a life somewhere else”.)
It never happened. We walked away from our place of pain,
growing character, and blood sweat and tears and never started over as
something other than missionaries. Within just a few weeks we knew that it wasn’t
time to give up and run away from what we had started in February 2006 in
Chimoio, Manica, Mozambique.
And much to our surprise, we didn’t really have any gift
that would help us start over and buy a house. We had a reasonable gift that helped
us travel to visit both of our extended families in Brazil and the United
States, and head back to Mozambique to finish what we had started. We had to
choose to face the shadows. We didn’t go back to live at the place that we had
to let nearly die, but at the place where we had been given land for starting a
new ministry base, in Chimoio, Manica, Mozambique. We had permission to do whatever
we felt like God was leading us to do. We could have a fresh Start.
In the meantime, we had learned a huge lesson –among many
others. Don’t build something that depends on your skills and presence to
survive. We would try to build something that would become self-sustaining, and
we entertained lots of other really cool ideas. We dreamed so much and had a few
ideas and plans, at the same time we agreed to work on an existing big ministry
project. But the big project was something that we had poured into before, and
there were huge roadblocks to anything that was connected to our first place as
missionaries. We were willing to work on whatever and wherever we were needed,
but it just didn’t ever happen.
So many things that we imagined, planned and prayed about
fell pretty flat. We had so many what ifs, ands, ors & buts. We assumed all the blame for everything falling flat,
never imagining it was God asking us to completely let go of the past season.
Then one day someone left four kids in on our ministry
property. These kids were abandoned by the last family that was caring for
them. The term ‘caring’ is used very lightly there. The children were working
in their fields with little food or comfort for recompense. They needed love.
We could give them that.
These kiddos were a brand new plan for our lives. My husband
and I prayed for them. We knew that we couldn’t abandon them. We felt like God
spoke to us very frankly, “Are you going to reject the children that I am
giving to you?
Our children? They were ours, given to us? Our hearts were
totally rent in two. Talk about humbled.
My husband and I definitely couldn’t send them away, we did
everything we could to make them comfortable and well fed and loved. We had energy,
ability to care for them. We felt immediate love and compassion for them. How
could God trust us to love them? Why did he give kiddos to us? We couldn’t even
seem to get our ducks in a row for any project or program. We were pretty much
cut off from anything that had happened in our ministry lives ‘before’. We
could have wallowed in the past with all those thoughts and regrets, or thank
God for a fresh start with these four children.
It was a big change to what we had thought about in the
months coming up to our return to Mozambique from a little over a year
furlough. We kinda threw a fleece before God. If this was truly his plan, and
he was in fact giving us more children to love and care for, we needed clear confirmation.
I was up praying around 4 in the morning before the mosques in
the city played a loud call to prayer. I had poured out my heart to God, and
spoken with a dear friend who prayed for us. We needed God to show us that
these kiddos were part of his plan for us. We hadn’t planned on taking care of any
children without a fence around the ministry property, running water and
electricity, the right buildings, and projects and programs. We were hoping to
build everything first, but God had other ideas.
We had been thinking about our new think in Chimoio along
the old word we had from God when we built a ministry base before. There were
some projects going on as we built and built and built, but we felt like it was
missing something. God kept telling us “If you build it they will come.” I
thought it was funny because to this day, my husband has never seen the film, ‘Field
of dreams’ I tried to explain it to him after he had a dream where he heard the
phrase, but it was to no avail. I have just really never pursued renting it, or
buying it because it’s a little bit Ironic that he did it. He built it. And we
did have to let some things die, but someone was always there, and then they
really did come. It never totally died. None of the work that we did was in
vain. I digress. My bunny trails are leading somewhere though.
The new thought: It was just to trust him with whatever he
gave to us, whatever or whoever God put into our hands. We were to love,
steward and care for the gift that he entrusted to our care. At that point ‘Iris
Chimoio’ was just a plot of land with a couple of tiny buildings, and an
unfinished building, and a lot of turmoil pouring over it from the nearby Iris
Churches and unsure neighbors.
We needed to have a dedicated safe place for those children,
a place reserved for their care, comfort and to ensure their future. So we felt
like we needed to separate the ministry land from all the past turmoil and
dedicated it to God as a ministry center with a new name.
At that early morning hour when Heidi called, my husband and
I had already talked about ministry names. We knew it was based on a vision
that God had given us as we drove through the Manica Provence of Mozambique in
2006.
We saw a river, with a vision of a beautiful house near it. We knew it
was a safe place, and a place of worship. We saw so many details about the
promise that God showed us growing near his river of life that flowed from his
throne. So we had the name ‘River of God’ already connected to our ministry
vision. When Heidi called around 4 in the morning, it was as if we had already
been talking through the night. She asked what our name for Iris Chimoio
ministry base was, all the ministry bases had names like Joy village, or
village of Love. That is when I told her that Joao and I already had a name in
mind. We weren’t sure if it was really a village though, but she loved it!
So the ministry land and small buildings that we steward in
Chimoio were given the name ‘River of God’. ‘Children’s center’ was later
tagged on as ‘Iris Chimoio – River of God’ was not quite a village. It is quite
a mouthful of a name, but that made us happy because we had asked to do
something small and organic after having done something big and over our heads.
We let the experience of the past be filed away for the time
being, and moved forward as new parents and directors of Iris Chimoio – River of
God Children’s Center. We became the legal guardians of those four children
along with our other Mozambican son Seba. They are all pretty grown up now.
They might not need us as parents much anymore. We don’t know exactly what we
will find after having been away from November and arriving in June. We have had
daily contact with our staff or children. The Iris Chimoio – River of God CC volunteers
have been amazingly connected with us. It’s been totally different from before.
Still, I have to take deep breaths and trust God that this
isn’t simply a repeat of the last time. This is the promise for now. We
are not alone, we don’t feel isolated, we don’t feel that a title would help us
promote order. We feel a bit shy going back after such a long time. What will
they need our help for? Will they need us, or won’t they? Do we even want them
to need us, or our guidance? Can we keep leading from a distance, or not? Will
we discover something that causes huge changes? Would huge changes be good or
bad? There is so much to pre-worry about, but
I don’t have time for that. Now I wonder
what will happen after being away for more than a year. Things happen. I’ve
heard about a lot of it. And we’ve helped guide the team from here. This
promises to be interesting, and an adventurous journey.
Joao and I are still trusting in Papa God to help us care
for the children that he put in our hands and our lives. We’re trusting God to
help us encourage the churches, and reach out to the community. It’s time for
us to get ready to go.
We can’t worry about those buts or whats, ifs, ands &
ors. Its just going to have to be what it is, and we are going to have to go
over there and be ourselves as we spend time with our lovely kiddos, amazing
team and big International Family.
To each of you who prays, I’m thrilled that you would lift us
up to the throne room of God and ask for his hand to be with us. We are
desperately in need of more of God’s presence in our lives. We need his touch
so deeply as our hearts question what he wants us to do as we go back for this
brief time, and our own three sons stay with their grandparents and aunt and
uncle. We are not super humans, we are simple people who can’t stand to let the
shadow win.
Our confidence is pretty small right now. But help us shift
our eyes back onto his lovely face as we go forward. Pray for us, cheer us on
so we can feel his grip on our wrists when we feel like watching the waves.
I’m not good at walking on water yet….I’m confident that the
one who is great at it is our
greatest help! Thank you for reading this. It’s just a rough bit of my heart
poured out. I hope and pray you are blessed as you face the shadows, and you
remember where and who confidence comes from!
Lots of love,
Missionary Momma Mia
